Your Seldom Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
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Ten Ways to Tell If Your Wife Has Poisoned Her Cha-Cha
WEST CHESTER, Penna. -- The war between the sexes took a turn for the grim recently. A woman in Sao de Jose Rio Preto, Brazil, tried to kill her husband by putting a poisonous substance in her snatch and then asking him if he fancied a box lunch.
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Feb 3, 2013, 12:26
Taco Bell Wins Asshat Award
WEST CHESTER, Penna. -- We take no pleasure in bestowing this week's asshat award on Taco Bell, which recently bent over frontwards to accommodate a bunch of meddlesome old cunts of both sexes at the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI).
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Jan 29, 2013, 12:52
Bynum Sitting Pretty for Philadelphia 76ers
PHILADELPHIA - Despite knees that are as creaky as a forty-year-old Vietnamese prostitute's, the Philadelphia 76ers recently acquired franchise center, Andrew Bynum, gave his team ten valuable minutes on the bench last night as the Sixers defeated the visiting Denver Nuggets 84-75 in the season opener for both teams.
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Nov 1, 2012, 11:03
Tom Cruise Fingered for Turning the Other Cheek
DETROIT - After weeks of speculation regarding the cause for Katie Holmes' sudden departure from her marriage to Tom Cruise, details have recently surfaced that shed light on this mystery.
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Jul 15, 2012, 08:37
Dwayne Wade Identified as Robbery Suspect in Miami Heat's Hoodie Photo
PHILADELPHIA -- A Korean grocery store owner has identified Dwayne Wade as the person who robbed him at gun point in early February. Woo-jin Park, 57, said he recognized Mr. Wade, 30, in a picture of the Miami Heat basketball team that was published on the internet via Twitter last week.
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Mar 29, 2012, 09:45
Romney Refutes Santorum's Stool Sample Claim
CONCORD, N.H. - The shit hit the fan yesterday morning when Republican presidential hopefuls met for a debate on Meet the Press. Toward the end of the debate Rick Santorum dropped a bombshell when he announced that he was planning to bring the Marian Stool on tour as a means of energizing his base and demonstrating God's preference for his candidacy.
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Jan 9, 2012, 11:37
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© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die
1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
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