Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Daily Ganjascope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit Ganjascopes
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive or if you dare misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
Willie Nelson Avoids Jail After Policeman Can't Remember Bust Apr 25, 2007 - 9:01
ST. MARTINVILLE, La. - Willie Nelson avoided jail when the policeman who had cited him for possession of marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms last September 18 told a judge yesterday that he "had no recollection" of the incident.
"Yer honor, I cain't say as I ever seen this man before," said the policeman, who was placed on administrative leave in January for being chronically late for work since the incident. When he was shown a copy of the report he had filed the day he had cited Mr. Nelson, the officer said, "That don't look like my handwriting."
As a grinning Mr. Nelson flashed the peace sign at his sister Bobbie, who had also been charged in the affair, State District Judge Saul deLahy banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed."
According to documents obtained by THEM Weekly, Mr. Nelson's bus was stopped on State Route 10 near Lafayette, Louisiana, by the officer, whose name is being withheld. He had become suspicious because the bus was traveling at 34 miles per hour, 6 miles per hour under the minimum speed limit.
In his report the officer complained of becoming "disorientated" as he approached Mr. Nelson's bus. "Then somebody opened the door to the vehicle and this big cloud of smoke come rolling out. As soon as I inhaled, I began to cough and gag."
Because of the large volume of smoke and a sudden fit of the giggles, the officer was not able to ascertain who, if anyone, had been driving the bus. He found two men—Tony Sizemore, 59 of St. Cloud, Florida, and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas, Texas—slumped at a breakfast nook, a half-eaten carton of Little Debbie Pecan Spinwheels between them.
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When he investigated the source of loud music coming from a room at the rear of the bus, the officer found Mr. Nelson, 73, of Spicewood, Texas, his sister Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas, and Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas, listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while watching an old black-and-white version of The Wizard of Oz with the sound turned off. A large hubcap filled with marijuana was sitting in plain view on a coffee table in the room, next to a solar-powered vaporizer and a package of rolling papers with President Bush's picture and the words "Mission Accomplished" on each leaf.
After radioing for assistance and waiting for "what seemed like the longest time," the officer finally completed a search of the vehicle, turning up 1.56 pounds of marijuana, 3 ounces of hallucinogenic mushrooms, and the Timothy Leary Mushroom Cookbook.
The quantity of drugs found on the bus was large enough to merit a felony charge of distribution if they had been found in one person's possession, but all five persons on the bus swore the drugs were theirs—and the drugs were not packaged for resale—therefore each person was charged with misdemeanors and then released.
"I would have hid that shit," Mr. Nelson told fans who had gathered outside the courtroom yesterday, "but I thought the cop was one of the Village People."
In related news, Harold "Ace" Martin, district attorney for St. Martinville, said that even though Mr. Nelson had avoided criminal prosecution, the wife of the memory-impaired officer may still file a civil suit against Mr. Nelson, whom she holds responsible for her husband's failure to remember their anniversary and their youngest son's birthday.
Our editor in briefs holds forth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; and more!"
West Chester, PA, is home to a public-embarrassment Jackass has-been; a virtue-signalling, marching-band ex-normal school; and the goddamn QVC shopping headquarters. That should be good for a mean-spirited, condescending local news story from time to time.
The Pug Bus Quiz Challenge
No rhetorical questions allowed. No penalties for guessing wrong. Find out just how much you do know about Schrödinger’s cat and other neat shit."
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.