Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Daily Ganjascope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit Ganjascopes
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive or if you dare misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
SWAKOPMUND, Namibia - Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may have squashed the feeding frenzy that had threatened to overwhelm them, but their strong-arm tactics have deprived their fans of any meaningful Brangelina fix for days. If you are one of the millions of people jonesing for news of substance about the golden couple and their glowing offspring, we can't help you.
We can offer you some methadone, however, in the form of the Brangelina baby quiz. It won't get you as high as an actual photo of Angelina breast-feeding her daughter Shiloh, but it will keep you from chewing the Tomb Raider posters on your wall.
This an open-book, unlimited-time quiz in which no reasonable answer will be refused. If you score lower than 70, you're in worse shape than we thought you were.
1. Shiloh is a ________ word meaning ________.
a) Namibian . . . carpetbagger; b) Dutch . . . hydroponically grown; c) Ebonics . . . child of mama with big lips; d) Hebrew . . . bastard (f).
2. Because of international reciprocity agreements, Shiloh will be ________.
a) a Namibian citizen, b) a female, c) right-handed, d) colorblind.
3. Brad Pitt was recently named the sexiest man on the planet by what magazine?
a) Popular Mechanics, b) Out, c) Cat Fancy, d) Car & Driver.
4. While Angelina Jolie was delivering Shiloh by C-section, Brad Pitt was ________.
a) taking pictures with his cell phone, b) throwing up, c) getting coffee for the nurses, d) signing autographs.
5) After learning that Shiloh had been born, Jennifer Aniston sent Brad and Angelina ______ .
a) a dozen dead roses, b) a picture of Vince Vaughn mooning, c) a sex video she had made with Brad, d) complimentary passes to The Break-Up.
6. Angelina Jolie had to have a C-section because ________.
a) her visa was about to expire, b) she didn't want to stretch her tattoos, c) Brad Pitt is under endowed, d) she hadn't had a bikini wax in months.
7. ________ is going to be Shiloh's godfather.
a) George Clooney, b) the Dalai Lama, c) Bono, d) Rosie O'Donnell.
8. Babies born by C-section are ________.
a) smarter than the average, b) young looking for their age, c) surprised, d) agoraphobic.
9. After Shiloh had been delivered, Brad Pitt cut ________.
a) the umbilical cord, b) the cheese, c) himself shaving, d) a deal with People magazine.
10. What did Brad and Angelina do with the placenta?
a) sent it to Tom Cruise, b) had it bronzed, c) auctioned it on eBay, d) who cares?
Our editor in briefs holds forth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; and more!"
West Chester, PA, is home to a public-embarrassment Jackass has-been; a virtue-signalling, marching-band ex-normal school; and the goddamn QVC shopping headquarters. That should be good for a mean-spirited, condescending local news story from time to time.
The Pug Bus Quiz Challenge
No rhetorical questions allowed. No penalties for guessing wrong. Find out just how much you do know about Schrödinger’s cat and other neat shit."
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.