Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Find a Rainbow Day? Fuck that, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else bothers to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Quit While Not Going Gently into That Good Night
3. Seat Belts
4. FOX Fucking News
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. Picking Up Pills That You Drop
7. Pissing Indoors
8. Talking Baby Talk to Children
9. Stupid-ass, Dip-Shit, Old Fart Hats
10. Bathing or Showering Regularly
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Surgeon General Warns about Secondhand Gas Nov 4, 2019 - 7:14
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Secondhand gas dramatically increases the risk of acute nausea, insult to the nasal lining, asthma attacks, and even asphyxiation, this according to U.S. Surgeon General Vice Admiral Jerome Adams. In a sobering report issued November 1, Adams warned that these "public health risks" can be controlled only by making indoor spaces gas-free.
"The scientific evidence is now indisputable," said Adams. "Secondhand gas is not a mere annoyance, a cause of embarrassment on a date, or an opportunity for blaming it on the dog."
The report found that nearly all Americans are regularly exposed to gas from others, and any exposure to secondhand gas is a risk. Even in single-parent households, secondhand gas can cause respiratory problems, sinus infections, asthma attacks, and sudden infant death syndrome. As a result, the report concludes, the only way to protect people is to make all gas passing indoors a second-degree felony.
"Technical approaches like the Ionic Breeze that involve air cleaning or a greater exchange of indoor with outdoor air cannot reduce the threat of secondhand gas," said the report. "Consequently, people need legislative protection that bans gas passing indoors."
Not surprisingly, the surgeon general's report was blasted in some quarters. Edward Ferlinghetti, executive director of the Pork Rind Producers of America, said, "The dangers posed by secondhand gas are debatable and likely to remain so given the limitations of epidemiology."
While allowing that gas can increase the risk of nausea and asthma attacks, Mr. Ferlinghetti raised the question of how much secondhand gas would have to be inhaled in order to do so.
"To be exposed to the laboratory levels of secondhand gas necessary to induce lung damage in mice," he said, "a person would have to be locked in a small room in a Mexican restaurant with a party of twelve for twenty-five years."
Because the doses absorbed by persons exposed to secondhand gas are relatively much smaller than those absorbed by mice in controlled laboratory studies, any health risks would be so small that it is difficult to confirm them.
Mr. Ferlinghetti also waved aside the surgeon general's report because it failed to take into account the contribution of animals to secondhand gas.
"It's counter intuitive to say that mastiffs, bulldogs, boxers, pugs, and other windy breeds do not up the ante in this discussion. If the surgeon general is so keen on regulating gas passing, perhaps he should require these breeds to wear butt plugs indoors."
A source downwind of the surgeon general, speaking under condition of anonymity, says, "This report leads to one inescapable conclusion: Only comprehensive gas-free workplace laws can protect all workers and the public from the serious, proven health risks of secondhand gas."
Other lobbyists urge a turn-the-other-cheek approach to this question. The Pennsylvania Tavern Owners Association, for one, remains split down the middle on the question of secondhand gas. Some board members appear willing to endorse the surgeon general's position, while others believe the owners of bars, nightclubs, and other places restricted to adults should decide whether to allow farting—or should, at very least, be allowed to provide farting and nonfarting sections in their establishments.
"I doubt that the average person encountering gas in a bar or restaurant objects to it because he thinks his tiny risk of lung cancer might go up slightly if he stays there for several decades," adds Mr. Ferlinghetti.
"The main complaint, as always, is the immediate smell, and that does not justify imposing a one-fart-fits-all solution on every business in the country. Whether secondhand gas is a health hazard or merely a nuisance, people who want to avoid it can do so by avoiding businesses that allow farting. A gas-free society that respects diversity should make room for people with different preferences."
Finally, said Mr. Ferlinghetti, "enforcing any gas-passing ban would be a logistical nightmare. Certainly, the guy who rips a hole in the back of his jeans and knocks three people over is an easy call, but what about the SBD (silent but deadly) types? Are we going to have fart police in every restaurant and subway in the country? Do we really want people spying on one another and ratting out their neighbor who let one go during a Super Bowl party?"