Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.
Tom Cruise Fingered for Turning the Other Cheek Jul 15, 2011 - 8:37
DETROIT - After weeks of speculation regarding the cause for Katie Holmes' sudden departure from her marriage to Tom Cruise, details have recently surfaced that shed light on this mystery.
"Tom has bravely checked himself into a residential treatment center to deal with a long-time addiction with which he has been struggling," reported Holmes' attorney, Sheldon Weinberg.
"The problem began with a routine physical exam after Mr. Cruise had turned fifty," said family physician, Dr. Dan Henderson.
"In the ensuing weeks he returned for more and more digital prostate exams. Initially, I suspected that he might have a phobia of prostate cancer and was being overly cautious. However, after he kept returning, I began to have the sickening suspicion that Mr. Cruise was, in fact, obsessed with the exam itself."
Dr. Henderson's suspicion was confirmed when he saw Cruise on a late-night talk show.
"When I saw Tom do that fake laugh, the one where he shuts his eyes and opens his mouth, I realized it was the same face he pulled during the digital exam. Frankly, it gave me the creeps. I had to cut him off after that."
"Tom began 'doctor shopping' after his primary doctor had cut him off," said attorney Weinberg. "He saw hundreds of physicians across the U.S., Canada, and Europe in order to satisfy his addiction."
Grimacing, he continued, "He particularly favored the French physicians because of their proclivity toward taking temperatures 'the old-fashioned way.'
"After Katie walked in on Tom performing an awkward self-exam in the shower, she questioned what kind of a father and role model he'd be for Suri going forward. That was when she decided to leave the marriage and Tom, literally, hit bottom."
Cruise is reportedly undergoing withdrawal at Stone Hawk Scientology Treatment Center near Detroit. His treatment counselor, Dr. Robert Hubert, provided the following explanation of Cruise's addiction.
"Mr. Cruise suffers from Podexis Inritophilia (PI), an addiction to anal stimulation. While the cause of this condition is unknown, it does seem to manifest itself in diminutive, hyper-masculine subjects such as Mr. Cruise. But frankly, I've never seen of a case of PI more acute and potentially debilitating than his."
Dr. Hubert explained that Scientology promotes detoxification as the primary mode of any addiction treatment, "but even though colonic-irrigation therapy is most often applied, we're foregoing it in favor of vitamin therapy because we don't want to risk cross-addiction in Tom's case. Frankly, he faces a long and winding road. He will most likely struggle with this disease for the remainder of his life. I wish him the very best."
Dr. Hubert offered a final insight.
"Tom basically sabotaged the marriage. His preoccupation with Scientology probably played a role along with his diagnoses of PI. There are a number of factors as to why Tom wasn't happy in the marriage, but basically it boils down to the fact that, well, Katie Holmes isn't a dude."
Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this."
The Pug Bus Interview
Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface, because no matter how beautiful a person might be on the inside, you've still got to look at him or her when you're speaking to 'em..Read on.