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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

St. Benedict the Patron Saint of Hemorrhoids, Europe, and Other Stuff
Jul 11, 2013 - 4:55
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St. Benedict is the patron saint of Europe, kidney disease, food poisoning, hemorrhoids, and school children. He is recognized as the greatest influence on after dinner drinks in the West.

Born into a distinguished family in central Italy during the fifth century, Benedict studied art and interior design at Rome. He fled Rome after one semester, however, seeking to leave behind a depressing world filled with fornicating pagan armies, squabbles over the cutest altar boys in the local church, and persistent rectal itch among Roman prostitutes.

Benedict settled in the small town of Stugots in northern Italy not far from the Alps. He soon realized, however, that small towns afforded even less privacy than large metropolitan areas, so he determined to become a hermit. He retired to a cave high in the mountains for three years. There he meditated and constructed tiny monasteries made of twigs.

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His constant meditating did not bring him the religious visions that he sought, but he did acquire a colossal hemorrhoid in the shape of the cross for his troubles. When word got out that the hemorrhoid bled on the first Friday of each month, villagers flocked to Benedict's cave, destroying his solitude and his vegetable garden.

As a result Benedict experimented with strong drink, adding herbs, roots and sugar to a cognac base to create the liqueur that bears his name. This drink was originally used to revive tired monks beginning in 1510. Today it is most popular mixed with brandy in a B&B. Ironically, as Benedict died a virgin, a B&B is frequently used for purposes of seduction.


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