Taylor Swift Placed Under Suicide Watch (Breaking News)

title of web site: postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

Scientists discover that some snowflakes are indeed alike ... CBD oil proven to cure earworms and genital herpes ... Grindr adding anal-recognition feature in time for Xmas ...

Home Ass Hats Celebrities Fashion Lifestyle Music News Politics Religion Sports Technology Our Staff

Up Mike's Ass
The No Holes Barred
Search Engine

Deplorably Speaking: A Righteous Blog

Our deplorable editor in briefs holds forth on a variety of topics from the ruination of sports to the frog-marching of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to whatever.

The Grammar Prick

Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your goddamn head if you split an infinitive. Visit The Grammar Prick

Postcards the Book

The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

Taylor Swift Placed Under Suicide Watch (Breaking News)
Jul 27, 2013 - 5:49

READING, Pa.–Taylor Swift has been placed under a suicide watch by concerned members of her entourage, the Pug Bus learned today. The popular, six-foot-tall singer-songwriter has been sideswiped by increasingly severe and frequent panic attacks that have played havoc with her mental health and with her ability to write revenge songs.

"Taylor is so terrified of being alone? She cannot even go to the bathroom by herself? said Rainbow, an under-assistant to Ms. Swift's manicurist who did not wish to be identified for fear of being placed on permanent toilet-monitor duty.

In addition to a dread of her own company, Ms. Swift has recurring nightmares about Kanye West interrupting her to make a speech while she's having sex. As a result she hasn't had a partner in nearly two weeks, the longest she's gone without one since she was fifteen.

The lack of sex deprives Ms. Swift not only of the validation she craves but also of the material for the petty, self-righteous, and vindictive songs that have made her a demigod to petty, self-righteous, and vindictive adolescents.

"Taylor hasn't written a break-up song in, like, forever? There's been nobody to break up with?" said Pixie, who oversees a crew of six responsible for the care and transportation of the hundreds of stuffed animals that Ms. Swift takes on tour with her.

Like most of Ms. Swift's entourage, Pixie hasn't uttered a declarative sentence for years, but she is nonetheless certain whom to blame for Ms. Swift's emotional decline.

"All the haters? All the jokes about her boyfriends? OMG!!! The fake porn photos?And the hurtful T-shirts? Like how is she supposed to deal with that? She's only one person, you know?"

Although Taylor Swift has been accused of making "training bra music," there's gold in them there molehills, and that's what has her people shitting bricks. As long as Ms. Swift is twenty-two going on fourteen or twenty-three going on fifteen, the hits will keep on coming; but what happens if her emotional age catches up with chronological age? Is she going to turn into Bob Dylan overnight?

As Pixie might say, "Duh?"

Hence the suicide watch. Hence the aroma therapy on the tour bus. Hence the constant stream of tweets to stoke the pre-pubescent ire of the army of Swifties, who put fatwas on the heads of clothing manufacturers, singers, or Golden Globe hosts who defame their high priestess.

More Articles by This Author

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. Have a secular day.

The Gift of GAB

Fuck those SJW bitches and you too, GoDaddy. We know who your daddy is, bitch. GAB is making a comeback. Can the South be far behind?

Back by Unpopular Demand

image of phil maggitti standing next to a sign that reads last chance

Read any two articles, get the third one free!

Norton Internet Security Won't Let Customers Uninstall
Trump Praises Pug Bus for Official English Policy
Pippa Middleton's Ass Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

What Would Neitzsche Do?

Forget Jesus H. Christ. Who gives a shit, besides Carson Wentz, what Jesus would do? In order to survive in a postmodern world, ask what would Neitzsche do.

The Pug Bus Interview

phil maggitti smoking a joint, isn't that shocking now?

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, then enjoy the interviews nobody else has the balls to do. We're not just blowing smoke. Our fearless interviewer isn't afraid to stop totally at the surface.Read on.