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CDCP Issues Rare Purple Alert Regarding Naked Yoga Breast Feeding
Aug 22, 2013 - 10:27
an image
ATLANTA, Ga.–The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP) has issued a purple alert, its highest consumer warning, over the spread of naked yoga breast feeding (NYBF). The practice, which first appeared two years ago after the photo at left had gone postal on the Internet, has been responsible for "an alarming number of injuries and at least one death," according to a Geoff Leaman, a CDCP spokesman.

"Most women who attempt NYBF have not achieved the level of yoga expertise or the tautness of buttocks that Amy has in this photo," said Mr. Lehman. "Nor do most nursing women have the perky, upright breasts that stand at attention even when they’re upside down. A nursing mother with pendulous breasts who is only comfortable with such basic yoga positions as downward facing dog or female riding to hounds can be a threat to her baby if she attempts higher level poses like the upward facing pudenda that Amy executes so beautifully."

The CDC does not issue the purple alert casually. Only three purple alerts have been issued this year—the most recent after Whole Foods 365 Organic™ brand smoked granola was found to contain traces of meat by-products. CDCP officials became concerned about the dangers of NYBF, however, as more and more reports of injuries to babies trickled in.

Finally, when the CDCP learned that a 210-pound nursing mother in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, with no prior yoga experience had toppled onto her four-month-old daughter, crushing her to death, while attempting to nurse the unfortunate child from the upward facing pudenda position, the watchdog group went purple.

When she was questioned by local police about her daughter's death, the distraught and still-naked mother sobbed, "I was only trying to stimulate my milk chakra so that Cricket could nurse more easily."

In addition to the infanticide in Sioux Falls, the CDCP has learned of incidents of broken limbs, fractured jaws, crushed ribs, and severe facial disfiguration suffered by infants subjected to NYBF. Nursing mothers, too, are at risk because of this practice. The CDCP has received reports of paralysis—including a rare case of paralysis from the neck up—that have resulted from an intemperate rush to NYBF.

"We cannot emphasize too strongly the dangers of advanced NYBF positions," said Mr. Leaman. "Positions like the flying waitress and six stars over the moon are just as dangerous to babies as riding on their mothers' laps without a seatbelt while their mothers are driving and talking on a cell phone."

Meanwhile Amy, whose carefree nursing session with her baby, Star Rider, gave birth to the NYBF craze, has gone into seclusion in a commune in New Zealand.

"She's been so gutted by this experience that she hasn't been able to walk around naked for weeks," a close friend revealed. "She's even wondering if it might be time to wean Star Rider."

In other news: As might be expected, late night talk show hosts have been having a field day with NYBF jokes. "Does this mean that it isn't true that if you turn them upside down, they all look like sisters?" quipped David Letterman.

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