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Miley Cyrus Hater Mika Brzezinski Wins This Week's Ass Hat Award
Aug 27, 2013 - 12:18
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Guardian of Public Morality Mika Brzezinski
WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Miley Cyrus, whose panties were too tight to bunch during her performance at the VMA awards, caused a lot of old cunts of all ages and sexes, particularly Mika Brzezinski, to react as though they had just been given the mother of all mental wedgies by Ms. Cyrus' singing and dancing.

This, in turn, caused these tiresome old cunts (TOCs), especially Mika Brzezinski, a D-list newsreader on a second-rate cable show, to squeal as though Ms. Cyrus had rubbed her butt into their business instead of Robin Thicke's. Consequently those self-righteous, pathetic TOCs, especially Mika Brzezinski, are the recipients of this week's Ass Hat award.

Words actually fail us at this point. Words like "gimme a break, asswipe" or "mind your own fucking business, dork" or "twerk this, you shit-eating fool" or "eat my shorts, mother-fucker." You know, our usual slurs in trade. For people to react with such towering indignation and disgust at the sight of a healthy young woman having a laugh or two on stage is like sticking a large foam finger into the eyes of sexually well-adjusted people everywhere.

In case you didn't see Ms. Cyrus sporting and cavorting in a way Mick Jagger wishes he were young enough to (or if you want to see it again, which is probably the case with our tens of readers), we have posted Ms. Cyrus' gleeful routine for your viewing pleasure.

If anyone finds anything to complain about in this postmodern ironic romp, he or she ought to lay aside his or her knitting and poke his or her eyes out with a stick. Our first candidate for this public service, of course, is Mika Brzezinski, who plays wing nut to some retired politician of no consequence on MSNBC's Morning Joe.

Mika Brzezinski called Ms. Cyrus' performance "really, really disturbing," which makes us wonder what she would call something "really, really disturbing," like, say, chemical warfare.

"That young lady, who is 20, is obviously deeply troubled, deeply disturbed ... probably has an eating disorder," said Mika Brzezinski.

That's some analysis, and from a distance, too. How could she have possibly been fired by CBS with chops like those? Yet this TOC wasn't finished. "I feel terrible. She is a mess. Someone needs to take care of her."

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Guardian of Public Morality Mika Brzezinski and some guy
We suspect Mika Brzezinski would volunteer for that duty in a heartbeat. She'd probably want to give Ms. Cyrus a proper spanking then lovingly rub her tender buttocks with olive oil—and after that an organic meal, hand-fed naturally. We further suspect that Mika Brzezinski has a closet filled with leathers for just such an occasion.

About the only sin that Mika Brzezinski didn't commit vis-a-vis Miley Cyrus was to accuse Ms. Cyrus of trading on her father's name. Oh wait. We forgot. Mika Brzezinski got her start in "journalism" by trading on her father, Zbigniew's, name. Old Ziggy was Jimmy Carter's genius national security advisor. Mika Brzezinski also has a brother who is the ambassador to somewhere and a mother who was a sculptress. Mika the ass hat, it seems, is a family as well as a national embarrassment.

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