title of web site: postcards from the pug bus
 
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Your Horoscope
Week of December 2
(Ramp Accessible) . . . because you are entitled not only to your own truth but also to your own predictions
The astrological stylings of the Autistic Astrologer. If you don't like your forecast, he will stick his fingers in his ears, stamp his feet, and hum loudly.

Cancer (June 21–July 22) A stranger will stop you in the mall and ask if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don't rifle through your billfold. Don't rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, spin around once, and shout, "Into what, a toad, you jackass?" The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Troubled by crank phone calls you install caller ID, only to learn that the person phoning you at 3 a.m. and reciting obscene limericks in an electronically altered voice is your mother. You left her in a nursing home nine states away, but wait until you find out where she's living.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Your teeth become sensitive to radio waves following a routine dental X-ray, and you begin picking up cell phone transmissions within a one-mile radius. Soon you are tormented by the shallowness of human discourse and by a neighbor who sneaks out to the garage to talk on his cell phone late at night. Your reactions are not the mark of a large soul. You have not been cursed; you have been blessed with an opportunity to know your fellow humans and to become a better listener. Embrace it.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) The goddess Maytag, in harmonic convergence with the House of Proctor and Gamble, has designated the crockpot as your ruling symbol. Unfortunately, this symbol is associated not only with the pleasure of cooking for a family but also with the loneliness of the mechanized meal. In other words: heads you win, tails you eat alone.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) You are at war with your demons, and your demons are winning. You are no longer on speaking terms with your conscience. The cardinal virtues just sublet your beach house to the seven deadly sins. Unless you can lay claim to excess disposable income and a lawyer with disposable ethics, do not change anything more significant than your ring tones until next week. Concentrate on small, manageable issues such as eliminating keyboard plaque, cataloging your CD collection, and arranging the books on your shelves in alphabetical order.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) This is your bulletproof week. The world is your White Diamond Escalade. No longer will you travel at the speed of dark. Wealth, success, and teeth-rattling sex are yours for the asking. Often you will be tempted to pinch yourself to make sure you are awake. That beats the weeks when you had to pinch your favorite sex partner to make sure he or she was awake. Warm the cockles of your cockles around this lap-dancing flame of good fortune, and don't be afraid to take risks.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) The inclination to be status conscious and inhibited are so Capricorn that you rarely stop to ask yourself why you are hyper-cautious. Why do you get caught with your pants up while everyone else is skinny dipping in the communal hot tub? Why do you have to march to the beat of a metronome? If your inner Lady GaGa wants to bitch slap your outer Norah Jones, don't file a restraining order, scalp tickets to the event instead. Life is a party. Why not crash it?

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Troubled by your lack of formal education, you enroll in a no-courses, no-tests, no-waiting virtual university that awards degrees based on a student’s life experiences. After reviewing your application and waiting for your check to clear, the dean’s council votes to grant you a Bachelor of Arts in Compromising Positions with a minor in communicative disorders, providing you allow them to keep the pictures. Did you remember to write SAMPLE across the pictures? If not, you better start working on your self-preservation skills.

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Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) The dating service you contacted suggests that you are best suited for the companionship of a significant other bearing a sticker that says, "Intel Inside." The next time you go looking for love in one of those fee-based places, be sure to check the application box that reads, "Same-species partner preferred."

Aries (March 21–April 19) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn’t butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don’t deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice. Some people close to you might caution that trading on appearances is no substitute for developing the inner you. If they persist, try holding them at arm's length.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes. Strive to make the principles of good rhetoric your guiding lights. Better yet, learn when to keep your yap shut.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?


Deplorably Speaking: A Righteous Blog
Our deplorable editor in briefs holds forth on a variety of topics from the ruination of sports to the frog-marching of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to whatever.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your goddamn head if you split an infinitive. Visit The Grammar Prick

Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-


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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

Exclusive Interview with a Handicapped Parking Sticker Cheat
Aug 28, 2013 - 11:53
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Ancient Chinese symbol for a perpetually unoccupied space?
WILMINGTON, De.–We'll call him Ralph. He is one of a growing breed of white-collar hipster criminal: the handicapped-parking-sticker cheat. You can find him from Boston to Baha, parking illegally is a space reserved for someone less fortunate than he is. You can even find him in Delaware.

On a late summer day Ralph parked his black-cherry-red Scion xB, a hipster vehicle of choice, in a handicapped-parking space on Market Street near 5th, on the edge of Wilmington's LOMA district. He draped a handicapped sticker from his rear view mirror, then walked down the street without any sign of disability and ducked into La Fia, a bakery + market + bistro. He had agreed to meet us there.

PUG BUS: Dude, when did you get a handicapped sticker?
RALPH: Eleven years ago, dude, when my mother-in-law was living with us. She had a disability, so it wasn't any hassle to get a parking sticker on her doctor's prescription. It was like a dream come true. I'd always wanted one of those things.

PUG PUS: Did you use it just when your mother-in-law was in the car?
RALPH: Hell no, man. It wouldn't have been right dragging her around to places where she didn't necessarily want to go. Besides, she'd have complained all the time if we had left her in the car. So we began "borrowing" the sticker to go to places where we wanted to go.

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Photo lifted from handicappedfraud.org.
PUG BUS: Like where?
RALPH: Like the Trey Anastasio Band concert over in Camden. That was the first time. It was awesome. We drove into the parking lot flying the crip sticker, and the dude waved us through to a lot that was closer to the entrance. Then the dude at that lot waved us through to an even closer lot. We finally ended up in celebrity-preferred-and-handicapped parking, right across from the entrance. Saved us a long walk, and left us with extra time to shoot a few frosties and do an extra doob.

PUG BUS: Did you feel guilty?
RALPH: About what? Using a space that would have sat there empty all night? After the concert—Trey wrawked, man—we noticed a whole shitload of unused handicapped spaces. We didn't figure we had inconvenienced anyone, and we sure would have been inconvenienced having to walk half a mile back to a regular lot, wasted as we were.

PUG BUS: Where else have you used the sticker?
RALPH: Where haven't we used it? Supermarkets, shopping malls, rest stops on the turnpike, downtown Philly. I even use it for visits to the doctor. That's a real hoot. If I have to walk more then ten yards to get where I'm going, I'm having a bad day.

PUG BUS: Is there anyplace you won't use the sticker?
RALPH: Well, I generally don't use it if I'm actually taking up the last handicapped-parking space. Unless it's raining.

PUG BUS: How long is a sticker good for?
RALPH: Five years, but the state sends you an automatic renewal notice that you don't even have to get the doctor to sign again. You send the form back, and the state sends you a new sticker. Sweet. That's how renewed the sticker the first time,

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You got to know when to hold 'em.
PUG BUS: The first time?
RALPH: Yeah. My mother-in-law died just before we got the second automatic renewal notice. I was all set to send it in, but my wife thought that would have been disrespectful, so I had to get creative,

PUG BUS: How creative?
RALPH: Photoshop creative, but I don't want to say anything more about that.

PUG BUS: So you're using a bogus sticker that was originally issued to someone who has passed away?
RALPH: Like she really needs it any more.

PUG BUS: Have you ever heard of handicappedfraud.org?
RALPH: No. What's that about?

PUG BUS: It's a website where suspicious citizens can post information about drivers whom they suspect are gaming the disabled-parking system.
RALPH: Sounds like the crip version of the NSA. We've got enough illegal spying on innocent people already in this country without these handicapped fuckers getting involved. Like I said, they never use one-tenth of the goddamned handicapped spaces anyway. Besides, they always clutter up "their" spaces in supermarket parking lots with shopping carts that they're too lazy to put in the shopping-cart corral where they belong.

PUG BUS: We'd like to talk more, but if we did, we'd have to go feed the meter.
RALPH: If you had a crip sticker, dude, you wouldn't need to do that.


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© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. Have a secular day.


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