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Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

St. Agatha of Palermo, Patron Saint of Breast Implants and Barbecue
Aug 3, 2013 - 10:31
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WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Next to the Blessed Virgin Mary's breasts—which no one but the Holy Ghost and the infant Jesus has ever seen—the hooters of St. Agatha of Palermo are the most famous and most venerated in all of christendom.

"Mary's breasts are given titular respect," says Emilio Cacasodo, S.J., "After all, she is the mother of Jesus, but St. Agatha's cioccie, mio dio, they are truly objects to be venerated."

St. Agatha's melons are certainly a case of less being more, for they were cut off at the order of the magistrate Quinctianus of Sicily after the young and virginal Agatha refused to accept an internship at Leccacazzi, Palermo'a most exclusive brothel.

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After telling Quinctianus that she would not work in a brothel because her breasts belonged to god alone, Agatha, 15, wound up with her tits in a wringer, and they were eventually removed. She was returned to prison following her mastectomy. There, according to legend, her balloons were restored to their former glory by St. Peter in the world's first recorded breast augmentation.

When Decius, the emperor of Rome, learned about this miracle, he ordered Agatha to be rolled over hot coals and burned at the stake. She died in 253 C.E. after uttering her final words, "My cups runneth over." Her breasts, which survived the fire, were buried at a secret location.

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During the centuries following St. Agatha's martyrdom, her breasts have attracted a large and devoted following—especially among young catholic boys—and countless miracles have been attributed to them. Each year hundreds of thousands of pilgrims travel to the shrine of St. Agatha, located in a grotto outside Palermo, to touch a likeness of the breasts of St. Agatha carved in stone.

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In addition to being the patron saint of breast implants, St. Agatha is also the patron saint of breast-cancer survivors and grill marks. Moreover, because of the exquisite shape of her breasts, Agatha is the patron saint of bell-founders and bakers.

To celebrate Agatha's feast day each year, Sicilian bakers produce the famous poppe cakes in the shape of Agatha's bajongas. The most outstanding of these are consecrated and distributed as communion at a mass in her honor.

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There's a Saint for That
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