postcards from the pug bus
lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004
Hillary Clinton blames her election loss on white supremacy
ex-Prince Harry and Whatsherface desperately seeking a nickname
Microsoft introduces new anal font "for assholes with something on their minds"
White women can't jump, either
Ashli Babbitt proved that . . . "bang, you're dead"
Happy New Year, same as the Old Year, from the alt right's favorite satire site
STAFF PICKS
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...Whether you do it doggie style or scissors, sister, we've got suggestions for what to read when you're having a cigarette or a blunt afterward ...
(1) Charlotte Church Sobriety Checklist, an angel vomits on her halo;
(2) Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at 150, lots of room for social distancing;
(3) New Royals Book Lifts Lid Off Queen Eizabeth's Underwear
(2) Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at 150, lots of room for social distancing;
(3) New Royals Book Lifts Lid Off Queen Eizabeth's Underwear
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The Book of Daze℠
Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.
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The Sacred Paraphernalia of the Zodiac
Aug 17, 2019 - 8:42
Virgo (8/23–9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Quad-core Self-Cleaning Yocan Pandon and Laser Light—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable on eBay after it is demonstrated by former Home Improvement star Jonathan Taylor Thomas on a QVC shopping channel segment entitled "Where Are They Now?" The correct answer can be obtained by putting a dab of CBD in the right chamber and a large dab of Sour Diesel in the left. Or vice versa. Libra (9/23–10/23): The Kim Kardashian Electronic Chopsticks/Knitting Needles from Puffco appliances, the world's foremost supplier of overpriced, crappy smoking devices—and now overpriced, crappy novelty devices—are perfect for weight conscious Librans. Instead of bloating on greasy wontons and calorie-laden duck sauce, you can knit one and purl two while waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive via DoorDash. Scorpio (10/24–11/21): The Ariana Grande 420 Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies the Scorpio's passion for practicality. You can now prepare dinner without worrying that the air in your kitchen will be compromised by eau de ganja while your tricolored tortellini are approaching al dente.
Capricorn (12/22–1/19): Be the envy of the Zodiac with your Jesus H. Christ Rolling Tray and Christmas Carol Player, pre-loaded with more than two hundred religious Christmas songs and Gregorian chants. The Three Wise Men model features a GPS designed to help you follow your star. Aquarius (1/20–2/18): Behind every successful Aquarian there's a steam driven dab rig. Jeffrey Epstein, for example, used a crude form of one to get wasted and to press his prison duds during his brief stay in the lock-up. That's why Mr. Epstein looked fly while the other dudes in prison looked as if they had their clothes pressed in the prison laundry. Pisces (2/19–3/20): The Harry Styles Roach Clip and Multivariate Break-Up Messages, delivered in Harry's own voice, is designed to highlight the perfect end to a smoking shesh or a clapped out relationship. Choose from more than fifty kiss-off messages. Don't miss the one aimed at tall, clingy blondes who give bad head. Messages are not case sensitive or sensitive in any regard—neither is Harry. Aries (3/21–4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster and Bud Drier. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to the civility that can only be attributed to perfectly dried weed. Taurus (4/20–5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the Jack Herer One Hitter as your ruling sacred appliance. Unfortunately, the one hitter, like the crockpot can signify both the pleasure of eating with a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you smoke alone.
Cancer (6/22–7/22): Cancerians owe their beautiful skin to the Electronic Zit Remover and Nectar Collector. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover and Nectar Collector you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Jaden Smith and Selena Gomez swear by theirs. You will, too. Leo (7/23–8/22): The 710 Aroma Therapy/Volcano Vaporizer is associated with many influential persons. Something of a departure for the folks at Volcano, this über rig is ideal for the inquisitive stoner who understands that there is more than one way to binge on terpenes. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a 710 Aroma Therapy/Volcano Vaporizer can help you keep you cool between the sheets. Arnold never hits on the help without hitting the 710 Aroma Therapy/Volcano Vaporizer first. © The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. |
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