Home   Ass Hat Awards   Celebrities   Fashion   Lifestyle   Music   News   Politics   Religion   Sports   Technology   Our Staff   Contact
Search This Site

National Security Agency
The Gang That Couldn't Spy Straight
image of NSA logo with Alfred E. Neumann face superimposedGet your tin foil hats on, kids, the National Security Agency is coming with its mentaloscopy machine. Check the doors and windows, check under the bed, and check here often to find out which of your civil liberties these fools have buggered of late.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive. Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . -1-  -2-


Humor Feed Banner
Chinese Altar Breads Flooding American Market
Oct 8, 2013 - 12:13
an image
"Jesus Christ! Does that say 'Made in China.'"
WEST CHESTER, Pa.–The ultra-competitive altar bread market has been thrown into a cocked miter by the emergence of Chinese players in this sacramental arena, but at least one of their American counterparts does not seem inclined to turn the other cheek.

"We are a Christian nation, and they have the audacity to sell sweatshop altar breads over here," said Sister Josephus, mother superior of the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Affliction in Clyde, Missouri, a major player in the altar-bread stakes. "Why don't those [Chinese] stick to making fortune cookies?"

Altar breads, for the religiously impaired, are thin, round wafers about the size of a decent nipple on a mature woman. They are made of flour and water for Catholic consumption, but some religions add rosemary, honey, or other mild flavoring agents. According to legend, when altar breads are blessed by a priest, they turn into the body of Jesus. They are then distributed during communion rituals.

Until recent Chinese incursions, various religious orders and a few secular manufacturers waged a dogma-eat-dogma competition for a slice of the annual multi-million-dollar altar bread pie. Now a host of Chinese bakeries are marketing altar breads priced from 45 to 70 percent below American manufacturers' products.

Companies like Ganso or the aptly named Holiland, not content to surf the rising demand for pastry in China, are looking to foreign lands and niche products to boost profits, and their business model appears to be take no prisoners. Chinese altar breads are even turning up in supermarkets, an outlet as yet untapped by American competitors.

an image
"Of course we are not a Christian nation," said Winston Cheng, director of international sales for Holiland. "So how are we going to make any money selling altar bread in China? Stick an image of the Buddha on it? Besides, somebody ought to tell that lady that fortune cookies are an American invention. Turn around is fair play."

The good nuns are not about to see their convent industry crumble without putting up a fight. In a recent letter to the Sisters of Perpetual Affliction customer base, Mother Josephus alluded none to subtly to the 2007 recall of contaminated Chinese tooth paste, rice powder, and children's toys.

"Our altar breads contain nothing but flour, water, and a prayer. They are entirely safe for children. We have never and would never add things like melamine or cyanuric acid to our product, as some countries have added to their exports in the past. May the blessings of Jesus be with you."



top-of-page link   top of page    teensy, tiny image of printer  printer friendly page

 

Back by Unpopular Demand

The Pug Bus Interview
phil maggitti smoking a joint, isn't that shocking now?Smoke 'em if you got 'em, then enjoy the interviews nobody else has the stones to do. We're not just blowing smoke. Our fearless interviewer isn't afraid to stop totally at the surface.Read on.
Shortcuts to Good Karma
yin-yang symbolStuff happens, but good karma is no accident. You can appear worthy even when you're being a dick if you learn to avoid the mistakes that others have made.Read on.
Free the Music
wipe out the riaa printed on a roll of toilet paperStrike a blow for freedom. Download music on the down low today. You can't beat the price. Get the skinny at Zeropaid.


Sites for Sore Eyes
image of tj eckleburg's eyes from the great gatsby American Atheists, High Times, Pirate Bay, Soulseek, Spectrum Labs, The Feral Atheist, Vaults of Erowid, WiTopia