Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Daily Ganjascope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit Ganjascopes
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive or if you dare misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
God Is Only Ninth in Fantasy Football League Nov 7, 2013 - 10:07
WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God of Hosts is more than a little frustrated by his ninth-place standing in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league. At the midpoint of the 2013-14 season, the Heavenly Father's IntelligentDesigners team is 2-6 in league competition.
"We could just as soon be winless if it weren't for a couple Hail Mary plays," said god. "I can't be depending on miracles to win games. That isn't how this league or the world works."
According to the general manager and coach of the league-leading Corporate Raiders, the IntelligentDesigners have been hobbled by a poor draft, "incoherent" line-up changes, and a failure to take advantage of the league's waiver wire, where quarterback Nick Foles was available last week.
"Who saw Nick Foles coming?" asked The Lord God Almighty, who competes under the pseudonym DeAndre Danger. "He went up in flames like Joan of Arc when the Eagles played Dallas. Then he throws for seven touchdowns against the Raiders two weeks later. Go figure. I didn't think he had a prayer."
God said he chose the Wilmington league "because I like Delaware's relaxed registration and disclosure laws, which allow me to compete incognito. I wouldn't want other players to think I had some special advantage they didn't have, and I wouldn't want them trying to get on my good side by trading away their best players to me."
The Heavenly Father's poor track record and his victimization in a Tony Romeo-for-Mark Sanchez trade earlier this year should go a long way toward keeping his identity a secret.
"The IntelligentDesigners have shown little intelligence and less design," said Gerry 'The Rat' Capano, owner of the second-place FamilyValues team. "DeAndre Danger seems to have a real preference for drafting players of marginal talent who point to the sky after scoring a touch– down or throwing a touchdown pass."
Our editor in briefs holds forth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; and more!"
West Chester, PA, is home to a public-embarrassment Jackass has-been; a virtue-signalling, marching-band ex-normal school; and the goddamn QVC shopping headquarters. That should be good for a mean-spirited, condescending local news story from time to time.
The Pug Bus Quiz Challenge
No rhetorical questions allowed. No penalties for guessing wrong. Find out just how much you do know about Schrödinger’s cat and other neat shit."
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.