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drunken young woman passed out after pissing herselfSTAFF PICKS
This week's staff picks, selected especially for you by Kristi Burlinson, our editorial intern majoring in Gender Reassignment studies at Brown University, include ...

(1) a token BLM article, Black Lives Matter Calls for Boycott of White Avatars;
(2) an exclusive report on The Divorce Between Yin and Yang;
(3) The Oldest Living Article currently in our database.


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The Book of Daze℠
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Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.

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A half-century's worth of smoking pot has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit Ganjascopes

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Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive or if you dare misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.

DeGeneres Wins Asshat Award Again
Sep 15, 2015 - 1:26
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LOS ANGELES-Ellen DeGeneres, with a face only a lesbian could love, has planted that face, and the head to which it is attached, firmly up her ass again. Miss DeGeneres, a putative vegan, has been outed by several animal-advocacy groups because her new ED lifestyle clothing line is being expanded to accommodate shit like suede Grace ankle boots ($250) and the Patty Point Toe cashmere fuck-me pump ($230). The latter features a leather insole lining.

It isn’t the cost of the new kicks that drew fire from the likes of the Global Conservation Group (GCG) but the fact that the shit is made of leather and suede, which are animal products, which real vegans neither eat nor wear. For this Miss DeGeneres wins the Pug Bus asshat-of-the-month award once again.

GCG president, Jordan Turner, wrote an open letter to Miss DeGeneres on Sunday, asking her to remove the offending items from her collection.

“I am disappointed to learn that your new shoe line will include leather products,” Mr. Turner wrote. “As a vegan, you likely know that animals raised for food are routinely beaten, neglected and brutally killed. However, animals in the leather industry are often treated much worse. With every pair of leather shoes, you sentence an animal to a lifetime of suffering.”

GCG has also launched a Change.org petition, urging Miss DeGeneres to stop pimping her decidedly non-vegan footwear, which is manufactured by the Camuto Group in Brazil, the same company that turns out leather goods for Nine West. The GCG petition gathered nearly 4,000 signatures in its first two days.

Meanwhile, journalist and prominent animal rights activist Jane Velez Mitchell wrote on her blog, JaneUnchained, “I was a huge fan until this. What’s next . . . conversion therapy? How can Ellen have a very public epiphany about the unnecessary torture/slaughter of billions of animals for food/leather and then . . . OOOPS! Let’s kill more so I can make money on shoes! Don’t you have enough money Ellen? Really.”

Equally offensive, perhaps, is the glaring and deliberate omission of suede and cashmere shoes from Miss DeGeneres’ ED website.

“Omitting the leather products from [the] website is clearly a choice and public relations strategy to not alienate her large vegan fan base,” wrote the DoDo website. “Other items in the line include T-shirts with cute drawings of goats and dogs. There is also a cheese cutting board in the form of a pig and cheese knives—items that seem incongruous to a vegan lifestyle.”

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“It’s obviously all about the money for her,” added Sarah Winnick, an Ellen fan and animal advocate. “She doesn’t give a damn about the animals. And, she is demeaning workers here in America by sending jobs overseas. She could have easily manufactured a vegan shoe line right here in Los Angeles.”

Miss DeGeneres’ scolding by true animal advocates is ironic because the mother of all animal rights groups, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, made her its woman of the year in 2009 for “being vegan and for championing a meat- and dairy-free lifestyle.”

Miss DeGeneres, who looks like nothing so much as the love child of football coaches Bill Parcels and Rex Ryan, has yet to respond to her critics; but if history is any guide, expect her to go all weepy and woe-is-me on her television show any moment now. That was her redoubt when her disregard of a legally binding agreement she had signed with a pet-adoption agency landed her in the news eight years ago.

According to the agreement, signed by Miss DeGeneres and her now-wife, Portia de Rossi, when they adopted a Brussels griffon mix named Iggy, the pup was to be returned to the adoption agency if the ladies elected not to keep him.

Poor Iggy, who was only four months old when he was adopted on September 20, 2007, didn't adjust fast enough to Miss DeGeneres’ and Miss de Rossi's cats, who, we are willing to bet, were females. Therefore, after keeping the unfortunate puppy for two weeks—and relieving him of his manhood, probably out of spite—Ms. DeGeneres fobbed him off on her hairdresser, who at the time had two daughters, ages eleven and twelve.

When the adoption agency that had entrusted Iggy to Miss DeGeneres and Miss de Rossi—Mutts and Moms—learned that the ladies had disregarded the terms of their contract, it sent someone to collect Iggy from the hairdresser. Mutts and Moms, it turned out, had a policy of looking after the welfare of the animals it entrusted to people and it had a policy of not placing pets with families whose children were younger than fourteen.

Instead of doing the manly thing and dealing directly with the adoption agency, Miss DeGeneres went all blubbery, not a pretty sight, on her television chat show, putting the agency's name and business in the street while attempting to effect damage control before she was outed for passing the puppy from pillar to bedpost.

What a stupid, mendacious, hideous twat.

In related news, Ellen DeGeneres is said to be planning a menswear line with avowed fur-lover Kanye West, the black Donald Trump. No word yet on whether the trousers in this line will feature front- or side-mounted zippers.
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