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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Fllip the Bird to Before You Die
3. Seat Belts
4. FOX News
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. Your Bucket List
7. Pissing Indoors
9. Stupid-ass Old Fart Hats
10. Going to Bed Early
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.
TORONTO—The confession of repeated infidelity from Josh Duggar, American Family Association poster-boy and erstwhile Ashley Madison patron, has not only resurrected the flailing social networking service for those seeking extra-marital affairs, but has resulted in a surge of highly paid memberships to the online dating service whose website was hacked last month.
The hackers subsequently posted 32 million names, credit card numbers, and email and physical addresses—along with the sexual preferences of Ashley Madison subscribers. Among those subscribers was Mr. Duggar, 27, who reportedly spent $986 looking for love on Ashley Madison between 2012 and 2015.
“When our website was hacked and our membership names published, frankly, I thought we were done for,” said a member of Ashley Madison’s board of directors, who did not wish to be identified but who did admit to a fondness for "threesomes." Recently deposed Ashley Madison president and CEO, Noel Biderman, the self-styled “King of Infidelity,” founded the Canadian-based website in 2001.
"I wanted to, uh, give a leg up to married men as well as men in committed relationships who were looking for a discrete, online way to arrange to cheat on their spouses and significant others," said Mr. Biderman at the time.
Porn star Danica Dillon, who didn't think Josh Duggar's technique was a godsend.
“Our entire model depended on keeping our subscribers’ identities secret,” the unidentified, threesome-loving board member continued. “When our members’ personal identifications were outed, I expected everything to come crashing down; and if it hadn’t been for Josh Duggar’s confession that he owned two working subscriptions, we would have been done for! Frankly, he turned out to be our best marketing agent.”
Indeed, Mr. Dugar ticked all the boxes on the Ashley Madison site: “Conventional Sex,” Experimenting with Sex Toys,” One-Night Stands,” “Open to Experimentation,” “Gentleness,” “Good With Your Hands,” Sensual Massage,” “Extended Foreplay/Teasing,” “Bubble Bath for 2,” “Likes to Give Oral Sex,” “Likes to Receive Oral Sex,” “Mutual Enemas” “Someone I Can Teach,” “Someone Who Can Teach Me,” “Toe Sucking,” “Cuddling & Hugging,” “Sharing Fantasies,” “Sex Talk.”
Apparently, millions of willing but hesitant subscribers flocked to the website once Josh Duggar, the father of three, had divulged his activities there, which included hooking up twice in real life with porn star Danica Dillon, who told Entertainment Tonight that Duggar was “violent" with her on one of those occasions.
Ashley Madison had a justly earned reputation of posting fictitious female accounts on a regular basis in order to attract men, a practice that prevented many married men from availing themselves of the service’s services. However, when Josh Duggar admitted that he’d actually hooked up with dozens of women from the site, millions of married men concluded that Ashley Madison was legitimate and that they would be assured of freely committing adultery just as Josh Duggar had done.
Noel Biderman, erstwhile lawyer and self-proclaimed "King of Infidelity, in his tastefully appointed bedroom.
An anonymous subscriber listed as “Theodore Nugent,” after completing an on-line evaluation, noted, “Hey, if a child-molesting loser like Josh Duggar can get laid on this site dozens of times, then you KNOW we all can. Pile on, dudes!”
According to an inside source at Ashley Madison, “Josh Duggar made the mistake of using his own company credit card, furnished by Tony Perkin’s Family Research Council, which was immediately identified when our site was hacked. Since then, all of our new subscribers learned from Josh Duggar’s idiotic blunder and have signed up with ‘prepaid virtual Visa Cards’ that don’t require any identifying information.
"We’ve even began supplying our own virtual credit cards, thanks to Josh Duggar’s stupid gaffe. We’ve already made a bundle in add-on fees with these pre-paid cards.”
The notice that caused thousands of men to shit themselves and a few to commit suicide.
According to Ashley Madison’s marketing director, who also did not wish to be identified, subscriptions have increased six-hundredfold due to Josh Duggar’s admission.
“Our increased revenue can easily pay for any and all lawsuits that have been levied because of the hacking of our site. It’s really ironic, but thanks to Josh Duggar, marriage infidelity will increase unabated and remain profitable for years to come.”
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Although he no longer self-identifies with the basket of deplorables, our editor in briefs is still considered a basket case—and deplorable—in many precincts. He is determined to outlive that twat Mick Jagger, and he believes, to paraphrase Phish, "You've got one life, blog on!"