Killer Kwanzaa App Suspected of Causing Computer Crashes

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Killer Kwanzaa App Suspected of Causing Computer Crashes
Dec 26, 2016 - 11:25

WEST CHESTER, PA—The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile phones, and computers of selected persons who visit the BLM site—whether they want the app or not.

This scorched-app strategy is similar Microsoft’s hyper-aggressive rollout of Windows 10 last year and Apple’s jack-booted “giveaway” of U2’s Songs of Innocence CD two years ago. The Killer Kwanzaa app comes with a twist, however, a stealth version of the app is delivered only to digital devices in selected, high-dollar ZIP codes, while a modified, plain-vanilla version of the app is delivered to intercity ZIPs.

“Brothers and sisters lookin’ for some flash-mob action can use the pain-vanilla version of the app to find out where we be shootin’ police tonight,” said Kwame Abdul Ferguson. “This righteous app also spits out a list of the cheapest barbecue available in your hood.”

The stealth version of the Killer Kwanzaa app is a horse of another color, however—an apocalyptic color that does hi-ho-Silvers on your front lawn. Residents of Grosse Pointe, Michigan, who visited the BLM site reported strange behavior following their visits.

“When I later surfed to GOOP [Gwyneth Paltrow’s “white-style” website], I found all the organic, vegan tapas recipes on the site had been replaced with soul-food recipes,” said one Grosse Pointe resident who wished to remain anonymous.

Additional surprises were in store for persons who visited white nationalist websites after having visited the BLM site.

“What the fuck,” exclaimed one subscriber to The Daily Stormer website, “I land on the site and I see a picture of this black chick wiping her butt with an American flag."

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