postcards from the pug bus
lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004
Phil Spector died for O.J.'s sins
Who is "Dr." Jill fooling with that bogus educator nonsense?
The woman teaches remedial fucking English
at a stinking community college
Truly amazing, but at least it's a step up
from her former gig as Queen of the Stone Balloon
Happy New Year, same as the Old Year, from the alt right's favorite satire site
STAFF PICKS
...
...Whether you do it doggie style or scissors, sister, we've got suggestions for what to read when you're having a cigarette or a blunt afterward ...
(1) Charlotte Church Sobriety Checklist, an angel vomits on her halo;
(2) Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at 150, lots of room for social distancing;
(3) New Royals Book Lifts Lid Off Queen Eizabeth's Underwear
(2) Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at 150, lots of room for social distancing;
(3) New Royals Book Lifts Lid Off Queen Eizabeth's Underwear
| Home Ass Hats Celebrities Music U.S. News World Religion Sports Technology Weed Us |
The Book of Daze℠
Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.
|
|
|||
|
God Throws Shade on Rainbow Bridge Myth
Jan 9, 2017 - 10:56
While waiting at the Rainbow Bridge, animals run and play and hump each other, until one of them, we'll call him Old Yeller, suddenly stops and looks intently into the distance. What is it boy? Whaddaya see, huh? Old Yeller sees his former caregiver gliding across a cloud toward the Rainbow Bridge, draped in glorious designer robes, smiling beatifically, and looking forty pounds and several chins lighter than the last time—or any other time—Old Yeller can remember. After a glorious reunion Yeller and his caregiver walk gaily over the Rainbow Bridge into heaven, where every day's a great hair day, all the restaurants accept pets, and there's never a wait for a table. "That's a touching story," said God, "too bad it's totally bogus. Ever since humans learned to walk upright and to scratch themselves at the same time, they have sought refuge in their myths. Trouble is, myths do not reflect reality, they merely reflect the delusions of the people who subscribe to them.
Goddamn right! What about the German shepherd-serial killer mix chained to a tree in a back yard like a lawn ornament, a dog that is finally "surrendered" at an animal shelter because he barks too much? If he doesn't get adopted, will he be turned away at the Rainbow Bridge like some geek who shows up at a trendy nightspot in a pair of Wal-Mart jeans? What about the feral cat and her newborn kittens, condemned to a lingering death outdoors or, if they're lucky, to a humane exit in an animal shelter? Will they be denied a pass to the Rainbow Bridge because nobody loved them? Is there a limbo for animals like these? "Furthermore, why do pets need a human escort to enter heaven," said God. "Do people think heaven is like one of those condominium communities where all the window curtains have to be white and pets aren't allowed to play in their back yards unless they're accompanied by their owners? Why couldn't animals wait inside heaven for their owners? Are there people in heaven who don't like animals? If so, I ought to tighten up the entrance requirements."
Finally, what happens when a pet owner dies, his pet is adopted by a new owner, and then the pet dies? When that pet gets to the Rainbow Bridge, do she and her first owner go waltzing into heaven, or must they wait around for the new owner to croak, then submit to a custody hearing to determine which owner will provide that pet with a "forever home"? "Obviously," the Lord God Almighty concluded, "the Rainbow Bridge is a theory in need of a codicil. As it is presently imagined, the Rainbow Bridge is nothing more than a Disneyland rest stop without the leash regulations, something else designed to help ameliorate human grief. Isn't that why I invented prayer?" © The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. |
|||
|
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.
