Propane-Driven Vape Pens Blamed for Three Deaths in Amish Country

title of web site: postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

This site is proud not to be mobile friendly ... we need a bigger canvas than a stinking cell phone can provide anyway ..."

Home Ass Hats Celebrities Lifestyle Music News Religion Sports Technology Weed Our Staff

Search This Site

The Who shortly after pissing on a tall wall

image of worldwide web on computer screen

Your 420 Ganjascope©

Presenting the astrological world's first Ganjascope, a timeless foretelling that reveals your past, present, and future at once. We take the logical out of astrological

Penultimate Day Campaign

Join the Pug Bus in its crusade to have December 30 declared National Penultimate Day. Our goal is to rescue penultimate from the puss-warted clutches of abusers of the language. What's more, we can give that snooty "Auld Lang Syne" business a well-deserved kick in the shorts. For the ultimate—and the penultimate—news about our glorious campaign, click here.

The Grammar Prick

Meaner than a dried-up, old-biddy Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive or if you dare misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.

Postcards the Book

The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

You Can't Photoshop This

Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this.""

The Fuck It List

Ten Things You Should Quit While Not Going Gently into That Good Night

  1. Religion
  2. Voting
  3. Seat Belts
  4. FOX Fucking News
  5. Paying for Music and Movies
  6. Your Stinking Bucket List
  7. Pissing Indoors
  8. Hugging Anyone You're Not Fucking
  9. Stupid-ass, Dip-Shit, Old Fart Hats
10. Bathing or Showering Regularly

Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.

Propane-Driven Vape Pens Blamed for Three Deaths in Amish Country
Sep 15, 2019 - 6:05

Note propane in clear plastic "juice" container.

Bird in Hand, PA—News of the deaths of three unrelated Amish youth—Jacob Stolzfus, 18, Lucas Stolzfus, 19, and Cyrus Martin, 21—has exploded like after-market vape pens in this quaintly named Amish community. The youth, who were all employed in the kitchen at Miller's Family Style Smorgasbord, died after the vape pens they had jury rigged to allow them to smoke marijuana concentrate exploded without warning.

"Everybody knows the Amish won't use electricity of any sort, even batteries, because that makes them too dependent on the outside 'English' world," said Lancaster County sheriff, Julius Etters. "What people don't realize is the lengths to which the Amish will go to replace electricity in their appliances."

Dashing through the snow, with a propane radio ...

Indeed, retrofitting a battery of devices from washing machines to dildos so that they run on propane instead of electricity is a booming enterprise in Amish communities, according to the Center for Amish Studies at Millersville University. The deceased youth are believed to have attached Coleman One Pound propane canisters to cartridges filled with THC distillate.

Although the victims were the first vape pen deaths reported in the Bird in Hand community, these were not the first of the Gentle People to come to grief over propane. Last summer two Amish brothers Karl and Lukas Stoltzfus (not their real names) were injured when their propane-fitted iPad 10 Pro exploded as they were playing World of Warcraft, sending both men to the emergency room.

"There's a joke in the Amish community," said Sheriff Etters, "that the 'Pro' in iPad 10 Pro stands for 'propane.'"

Apple refused to cover the costs of the Stoltzfus' brothers maxillary reconstructions because retrofitting any Apple product with propane voids that product's warranty.

Next Ellen: Is Transgenderism on the Rise in Amish Communities?

More Articles by This Author

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. Have a secular day.

Follow @thepugbus

Follow the Pug Bus on Twitter or we'll follow your sorry ass home. Then you'll wish you had followed us!

The Pug Bus Blogs On

Our editor in briefs holds froth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; and more!"

Recommended for You Only

image of phil maggitti standing next to a sign that reads last chance

Read any two of these articles and get the third one for free. Pay only for shipping.

High Times Declares Five Cannabis Strains Extinct

Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken

Van Morrison Files for Intellectual Bankruptcy

There's a Saint for That

There is a condition for every saint, and a saint in evey pot. Tell me where it hurts you, and I'll tell you whom to call. Let us pray . . .

The Pug Bus Interview

image of phil maggitti smoking a funny cigarette

Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface.Read on.

Send email to Pug Bus Editor.

Sites for Sore Eyes

Discordianism--the one religion to have if you're having more than one—or none at all.

High Times--wanna know what Super Silver Haze is selling for near you?

Pirate Bay--indefatigible, unsinkable, and attitude out the ass; still the one-stop shoplifting stop

Soulseek--no spoofs, no lurkers, just good clean music files for free. To hell with those overpriced streaming services. As the Buddha says, "Stream your own shit, mother-fucker."

Spectrum Labs-need to pass a piss test?

Vaults of Erowid-before you drop it, chop it, snort it, or vape it, consult the druggie's bible; your brain with thank you for the effort

ExpressVPN--sturdy, impregnable fortress. It's the VPN service that we here at the Pug Bus use. Don't go digital shoplifting without it