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A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
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Propane-Driven Vape Pens Blamed for Three Deaths in Amish Country Sep 15, 2019 - 6:05
Bird in Hand, PA—News of the deaths of three unrelated Amish youth—Jacob Stolzfus, 18, Lucas Stolzfus, 19, and Cyrus Martin, 21—has exploded like after-market vape pens in this quaintly named Amish community. The youth, who were all employed in the kitchen at Miller's Family Style Smorgasbord, died after the vape pens they had jury rigged to allow them to smoke marijuana concentrate exploded without warning.
"Everybody knows the Amish won't use electricity of any sort, even batteries, because that makes them too dependent on the outside 'English' world," said Lancaster County sheriff, Julius Etters. "What people don't realize is the lengths to which the Amish will go to replace electricity in their appliances."
Indeed, retrofitting a battery of devices from washing machines to dildos so that they run on propane instead of electricity is a booming enterprise in Amish communities, according to the Center for Amish Studies at Millersville University. The deceased youth are believed to have attached Coleman One Pound propane canisters to cartridges filled with THC distillate.
Although the victims were the first vape pen deaths reported in the Bird in Hand community, these were not the first of the Gentle People to come to grief over propane. Last summer two Amish brothers Karl and Lukas Stoltzfus (not their real names) were injured when their propane-fitted iPad 10 Pro exploded as they were playing World of Warcraft, sending both men to the emergency room.
"There's a joke in the Amish community," said Sheriff Etters, "that the 'Pro' in iPad 10 Pro stands for 'propane.'"
Apple refused to cover the costs of the Stoltzfus' brothers maxillary reconstructions because retrofitting any Apple product with propane voids that product's warranty.
Next Ellen: Is Transgenderism on the Rise in Amish Communities?
Our editor in briefs holds forth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; the rise of the alt-middle; and more!"
Yesterdays' Papers
Read any two of these classic articles from May 2005 and get the third one for free. Pay only for shipping and handling. Offer good while supplies last.
West Chester, PA, is home to a public-embarrassment Jackass has-been; a woke university; and the goddamn QVC shopping headquarters. That should be good for a mean-spirited, condescending local news story from time to time.
Pug Bus Quizzes 'n' Polls
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
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The Pug Bus Interview
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