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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Fllip the Bird to Before You Die
3. Seat Belts
4. FOX News
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. Your Bucket List
7. Pissing Indoors
9. Stupid-ass Old Fart Hats
10. Going to Bed Early
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SPAM to Introduce Edible Swimwear During Fashion Week Sep 21, 2019 - 6:06
NEW YORK—Hormel Foods, makers of Spam, announced yesterday that it has added edible swimwear to the ever-growing catalog of novelty gift items made in the image and likeness of the popular foodstuff. According to Hormel's chief information officer, Gloria Silverman, "SPAM swimwear is the first item in what is expected to be a long line of edible clothing." That line will be introduced during the winter's New York’s Fashion Week shows.
"The current appeal of gluten-free food makes SPAM swimwear a natural for fashion and health conscious Americans,” said Ms. Silverman.
Available in three designer colors—pigskin, mud brown, and hambone—SPAM swimwear is made entirely of pig lips, entrails, connective tissue, and hooves, the same meat by-products found in every can of SPAM.
”We choose only the highest quality by-products for our SPAM swimwear," said Ms. Silverman. "It's just as safe to eat as anything that comes out of one of our cans." In fact, said Ms. Silverman, SPAM swimwear will be packaged in a SPAM lookalike can that is “ideal for use as a jewelry box."
Industry analysts predicted Hormel stock would rise on the news that the company had found yet another way to generate profits from pig by-products. They also expect edible swimwear to "make a splash" in the $500-million annual revenue stream generated by the sales of SPAM kitsch.
"For SPAM lovers the meat is the message," said Ms. Silverman, "and what better way to package that message than in edible SPAM swimwear?"
If the SPAM swimwear turns out to be a good fit for SPAM faithful, expect to see affinity styles available for sports enthusiasts. In fact, Hormel is presently in discussions with the National Football League, which wants to market team-pride swimwear with logos of NFL teams imprinted on it.
Expect the J-LO line of SPAW swimwear soon.
In a beta version of the initial ad for this campaign, former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens reprises a commercial he made nearly fifteen years ago. In that spot Mr. Owens stands facing the camera while Nicollette Sheridan, who is wearing SPAM swimwear, approaches him. As the music of the Eagles fight song, “Fly, Eagles, Fly,” swells in the background, Ms. Sheridan begins tearing off bits of her swimwear and feeding them to Mr. Owens.
In related news, SPAM announced that it is nearing production of a men’s speedo in natural, barbecue, and jalapeno flavors.
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