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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Fllip the Bird to Before You Die
3. Seat Belts
4. FOX News
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. Your Bucket List
7. Pissing Indoors
9. Stupid-ass Old Fart Hats
10. Going to Bed Early
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Walmart Stock in the Crosshairs Aug 19, 2019 - 6:37
MORGANTOWN, Penna.—Concerns about the value of Wal-Mart stock going forward from the El Paso shootings have decimated company morale, threatened the social fabric of many small communities, and led thousands of Wal-Mart employees to seek other career paths. Although Wal-Mart shares closed at $112.99 on Friday, just 1.8% below their all-time high, many Wal-Mart employees are clearly in a fish-or-cut-bait frame of mind.
"You bet I've been shopping my resume around," said Jason Fennell, 19, a re-stock specialist on the third shift at the Wal-Mart in Morgantown, Pennsylvania. "I'm expecting callbacks from Cracker Barrel, Domino's Pizza, and the Agway store. I can't afford to be associated with a company like Wal-Mart, whose common stock is, like, horrendously overvalued, for crying out loud."
Celebrating Pantsless Tuesdays at Wal-Mart.
Mr. Fennel's sense of guilt by association—especially given Wal-Mart's defiant announcement that it will continue selling guns and ammo—is common to Wal-Mart employees throughout the country. Like Mr. Fennel, many of them have begun to avoid old friends and familiar social routines. In a rural ex-urb like Morgantown, fifty miles and several turnpike exits west of Philadelphia, that means no Wednesday night card games at the beer distributor's and less time spent at the fire company.
"I haven't been to beef-and-beer nights down at the fire hall for weeks," Mr. Fennel confided, sipping on a 24-ounce, CBD-infused Monster Zero. "My buddies who work for the Target in Exton were raggin' me pretty bad about the stock situation at Wal-Mart. Hell, even some dweeb in the management training program at Denny's was giving me grief because he's got more attractive stock options than I have. It was starting to get depressing. People who worked at Wal-Mart were the nearest thing to rock stars around here. Now we're social outcasts."
Wal-Mart officials are aware of the talent drain caused by the company's uncertain profit forecast. The more progressive stores in the Wal-Mart chain are seeking ways to deal with the negative effects of these issues.
Are you sure that's where babies come from, Mom?
"We've hired the grief counselor from Twin Valley high school to come in on weekends and talk to our people," said Tim Luckenbill, second associate manager of the Morgantown Wal-Mart. "We have to approach this situation proactively because some analysts think our stock could screw the pooch."
Although many people in the Morgantown area have begun to look on Wal-Mart as a dead-end career option, a few risk takers see the company's difficulties as an opportunity in disguise. Rip Derringer is one of them. Mr. Derringer, 22, recently left a position as executive fry cook at the Windmill restaurant to work on the loading dock at Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart's shares are still trading at about eighteen times 2006 earnings estimates," said Mr. Derringer. "That's a 20 percent discount to Wal-Mart's historical valuation. You'd be a fool not to load up on that buffet. Sure, there's a little headline risk right now, but I can live with it."
In other news, Wal-Mart has vigorously denied that its plans for opening several outlets in India are part of a cover operation designed to mask the eventual outsourcing of its complaints department to that country.
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