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God Says He Told Ref to Throw Flag at “That Silly High School Kid”
HEAVEN–The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—announced today that He was responsible for the penalty assessed on a high school football player who pointed to the sky, and ostensibly at God, after scoring a touchdown in a game two weeks ago.Oct 28, 2015 - 11:56 "I have had it up to my kiester with athletes pointing at the sky after scoring a touchdown, draining a three, hitting a home run, whatever," said Mr. Jaweh. "Where do these people get the idea that I would take a personal interest in—much less interfere with—the outcomes of their amusements? Just because the game is important to them doesn’t mean it’s important to me. That’s rather arrogant, don’t you think?" The kid who got The Lord’s goat is Dante Turo, quarterback at Mexico (New York) High School. Young Mr. Turo believes his talent is God given, and like many insufferable Christian athletes he raises an index finger to the sky (or to the roof) after a good play to advertise that fact. If you have watched fifteen minutes’ worth of sports, even grade B high school sports such as Young Mr. Turo plays, you have no doubt seen this tiresome routine. If you are like us, you sneer at such pretentiousness. (Young Mr. Turo added insult to inanity by holding the football up in his left hand while pointing with his right index finger to the sky—a real multitasker, he. We’re surprised he didn't set the ball on fire as a thanksgiving offering.) His self-righteous posturing cost Young Mr. Turo’s team a fifteen-yard penalty on the ensuing extra point try, which was missed. Ultimately Mexico lost the game 33-31, their penultimate contest; and they lost the one after that for good measure, a game in which Young Mr. Turo threw two interceptions. Who’s your daddy now, kid? The Lord do, indeed, work in mysterious ways. One thing for certain: He ain’t nobody to fuck with. Flashing more of His famed Old Testament truculence, The Almighty One was also critical of Young Mr. Turo’s subsequent appearance on Fox News’ Fox & Friends. “Those people at Fox think they own and operate me,” said Mr. Jaweh, “but they’ve got another think coming, especially Bill O’Reilly. Did you read that nonsense book he wrote about my son? Rubbish. He’d better be lawyered up come the Last Judgement.” © The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. |
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