Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.
National Got Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed Day℠ Dec 5, 2019 - 5:16
The Romans had an expression for it . . . "it" being a foul, snot-flinging, food-showing, ass-kicking mood that envelops a person for no reason. The expression was In lectulo surgens sinistram: He got up on the wrong side of the bed. (When Roman women were in a foul mood, it was assumed they were in rag, an expression that doesn't need translating.)
In Roman times the wrong side of the bed was the left side. Indeed, left was considered the wrong side of everything in those "ancient" times. Today we're ambidextrous. Either side of the bed could be the wrong side because it's a goddamn metaphor, see? Nevertheless, because we are a pattern-and-solution-seeking tribe who can't seem to resist unpacking metaphors, people are inspired to write shit with titles like "What to do when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Ignore Freud for a start."
Sod Freud and sod the feckin' eejit who wrote this overstrung and overworked drivel in the Irish Times.
Better advice is on offer in the song "Wrong Side of the Bed." To wit, "The sun got drunk, somebody shut the door/I'm going back to sleep until I don't know when/Well I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed." The entire song can be heard here.
The best advice of all, which is the case in most cases, is to game the expression by using it as an excuse for anything you do that others find annoying, offensive, and/or disgusting.
Ran over your neighbor's kid while backing out of your driveway at twenty miles per hour? "Woke up on the wrong side of the bed."
Coughed up a two-ounce loogie and spat it on the sidewalk, where it bounced twice? "Woke Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed."
Shot up half of Las Vegas from your hotel room window? "WUWSB."
You get the idea. If you can do it, you can spin your way out of it. Pars in amicis meis epularer.
Next Ellen: Why Lesbians Never Wake Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed
Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this."
The Pug Bus Interview
Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface, because no matter how beautiful a person might be on the inside, you've still got to look at him or her when you're speaking to 'em..Read on.