postcards from the pug bus
lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004
Phil Spector died for O.J.'s sins
Who is "Dr." Jill fooling with that bogus educator nonsense?
The woman teaches remedial fucking English
at a stinking community college
Truly amazing, but at least it's a step up
from her former gig as Queen of the Stone Balloon
Happy New Year, same as the Old Year, from the alt right's favorite satire site
STAFF PICKS
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...Whether you do it doggie style or scissors, sister, we've got suggestions for what to read when you're having a cigarette or a blunt afterward ...
(1) Charlotte Church Sobriety Checklist, an angel vomits on her halo;
(2) Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at 150, lots of room for social distancing;
(3) New Royals Book Lifts Lid Off Queen Eizabeth's Underwear
(2) Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at 150, lots of room for social distancing;
(3) New Royals Book Lifts Lid Off Queen Eizabeth's Underwear
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The Book of Daze℠
Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.
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Weighted-Blanket Death Syndrome on the Rise
Nov 19, 2020 - 5:53
"In all my years on the force, I've never seen anything like this," said West Chester police chief William "Bill" Evans. "I just can't get that smell out of my mind." "That smell," which has come to be known as "weighted-blanket bouquet," occurs when the weight of the blanket, twenty-five pounds in this case, literally cooks any fecal matter or other bodily emissions released when the victim dies. It is, sadly, a smell that is becoming more and more familiar as reports of Weighted-Blanket Death Syndrome increase.
"The design potential, given a blanket's large 'canvas,' is unlimited," says actress, Vanessa Grimaldi. "Besides, weighted blankets are a holistic alternative to Ambien. You won't be sleepwalking with the Gravitas Blanket 3000." Unfortunately, some people never walk again after a night in the Gravitas 3000's leaden embrace. The Center for Disease Control does not track weighted-blanket deaths officially, but a spokesperson for the group warned that weighted blankets have claimed the lives of a miniature Schnauzer, a pair of Siamese twins, and a homeless person in San Francisco. "Clearly," said the spokesperson, "this is not a one-size-fits-all blanket solution for sleeping disorders." Endorsements like Vanessa Grimaldi's helped land weighted blankets on Time magazine’s “Best Inventions of 2018” list, even though such blankets have been in use for the last two decades. The only things different about today's blankets are the Swarovski diamond trim on some models, and the price. Until Gravitas Blankets started selling its own weighted accessories northward of $200 each, most sensory blankets cost roughly $80. Next Ellen: Are weighted blankets the latest sex tool? © The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. |
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.
