Postcards from the Pug Bus                

postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004
Reparations? Isn't that just a fancy word
for "welfare handouts"
an excuse for taking money from people
who never owned slaves
and giving it to people
who never were slaves?
Elizabeth Warren loves to tell business owners,
"You didn't build that."
We say to reparations queens,
"You didn't earn that."
four dogs in a row having sex from behind...
Whether you do it doggie style or scissors, sister, we've got suggestions for what to read when you're having a cigarette or a blunt afterward ...

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The Book of Daze℠
image of an old-fashion pinup calendar
Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . .  The Book of Daze℠.

Your Virtual GanjaScope
an image of a man smoking pot
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.

The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.

There's a Saint for That
patron saints for hire image
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.

image of iconic screaming person
two lions having it off
The Who shortly after pissing on a tall wall
American Freedm Party
burma shave sign with jingle
subliminal Coca-Cola advert
image of worldwide web on computer screen
image of bicyclist
image of handicapped parking sticker
man on his knees fucking a tail pipe
fly agaric mushroom

Here's to a Brighter Day
banner of brights organization
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.

The Pug Bus Blogs On
seven pugs looking out the back of a Dodge Caravan whose hatch is raised
Our editor in briefs holds forth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; the rise of the alt-middle; and more!"

Yesterdays' Papers
image of a bunch of newspapers
Read any two of these classic articles from May 2005 and get the third one for free. Pay only for shipping and handling. Offer good while supplies last.

US Prepared for Flu Pandemic Says Bush
A case of deja vu in reverse or what?

Johnny Depp to Read at Hunter S. Thompson Memorial
Johnny wore a wife-beater then he became one.

Mena Suvari Seeks Separation from Mira Sorvino
So who'd you rather . . . or rather not.

Local News
West Chester University Golden Ram  image
West Chester, PA, is home to a public-embarrassment Jackass has-been; a woke university; and the goddamn QVC shopping headquarters. That should be good for a mean-spirited, condescending local news story from time to time.

Pug Bus Quizzes 'n' Polls
road sign with many directions
No rhetorical questions allowed. No penalties for guessing wrong. Find out just how much you do know about Schrödinger’s cat and other neat shit."

Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

You Can't Photoshop This

Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this."


The Pug Bus Interview
image of phil maggitti, the pug bus editor
Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface, because no matter how beautiful a person might be on the inside, you've still got to look at him or her when you're speaking to 'em..Read on.


image of a gun Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.

  National Aristocrats Joke Day℠
        Dec 27, 2019 - 3:00
an image
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The most offensive joke in history, "The Aristocrats," was weaponized in a 2005 documentary film directed by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette, the talking member of Penn and Teller. By then "The Aristocrats" was at least fifty years old, and was a legendary after-hours joke that comedians shared but never performed in public, usually vying to see who could spin the most disgusting version of the story.

Though "The Aristocrats" spread through the vaudeville/comedians' world like mycelium, it didn't poke its fly agaric (Amanita muscaria) head above ground until it starred in that movie, which did $6,132,550 at the box office, a number that indicates most people avoided the movie like it was a poisonous mushroom, even though it featured more than one hundred of the biggest names in entertainment, from George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg, and Drew Cary to Gilbert Gottfried, Bob Saget, Paul Reiser, and Sarah Silverman telling, analyzing, and deconstructing the infamous joke.

If you are one of those fungus-phobic individuals, fear not. You are about to lose your virginity, and it won't hurt a bit, unless you bust a gut laughing.

"The Aristocrats" begins with a man walking into a talent agent's office. "I've got this great new act I think you're going to love," the man says.

The talent agent asks him to describe the act, and the man begins, "First my wife and I walk out on stage. We take off our clothes. We commence to have torrid, blood-drawing sex . . .." The man continues to describe in the vilest language imaginable acts of incest, bestiality, corporaphilia, sodomy, cock fingering, pedophilia, and worse. These acts involve not only the man and his wife but also their two children, the family dog (who in some versions is crippled), and one or more of the couple's parents and/or grandparents, at least one of whom is in a wheelchair. When the man finally stops, the agent says, "That's an unusual act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats."

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To navigate through the bog that is this "joke," it helps to have a map. We provide as a public service, therefore, a fill-in-the-blanks version of "The Aristocrats," which you are free to adapt for your own purposes and family occasions. It's guaranteed to clear a room fast or your money back.

A man walks into a talent agency, hoping to sell his new family-oriented act. The talent agent asks what the act involves, and the man replies: "First my wife and I get naked and proceed to have screaming, blood-drawing sex. I then %#*@ in her mouth and make her *$%# my [manhood]. I then &$%# her again and lick the remnants of [feces] and sperm off her, then French kiss her. Then I cover her mouth with my hand and punch her in the stomach and watch stuff fly out of her nose. Then my daughter comes in and I &$%# her in the [posterior] while I *$%# my son's [manhood]. While this is going on, my wife starts [banging] my father. I then &$%# my mother and father while my wife &$%# our kids. Then I blow my dad's [anus] and [masturbate] him. Then the dog limps in and I &$%# it, too. I then shoot my mother in the butt and &$%# the bullet hole. We all join in the fun and [urinate] on one another. We [defecate] in the piss and blood and then puke in it. Then we scoop it into a kiddie pool. We jump into the pool and &$%# the hell out of each other. We slurp up everything in the pool and puke it on the audience, Gallagher style. Then we take a bow and leave."

The Talent agent says: "Holy shit! Whats the act called?"

"The Aristocrats."

Next Ellen>: Why lesbians find "The Aristocrats" joke offensive.

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

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