Postcards from the Pug Bus                
   
   

postcards from the pug bus

  
lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004
Reparations? Isn't that just a fancy word
for "welfare handouts"
an excuse for taking money from people
who never owned slaves
and giving it to people
who never were slaves?
Elizabeth Warren loves to tell business owners,
"You didn't build that."
We say to reparations queens,
"You didn't earn that."
STAFF PICKS
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Whether you do it doggie style or scissors, sister, we've got suggestions for what to read when you're having a cigarette or a blunt afterward ...

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The Book of Daze℠
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Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . .  The Book of Daze℠.
 
 

Your Virtual GanjaScope
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A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.


The Grammar Prick
 
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.


There's a Saint for That
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There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.



      
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two lions having it off
      
The Who shortly after pissing on a tall wall
      
American Freedm Party
      
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subliminal Coca-Cola advert
             
image of worldwide web on computer screen
     
image of bicyclist
  
image of handicapped parking sticker
      
man on his knees fucking a tail pipe
      
fly agaric mushroom

Here's to a Brighter Day
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Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.


              
The Pug Bus Blogs On
seven pugs looking out the back of a Dodge Caravan whose hatch is raised
Our editor in briefs holds forth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; the rise of the alt-middle; and more!"

Yesterdays' Papers
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Read any two of these classic articles from May 2005 and get the third one for free. Pay only for shipping and handling. Offer good while supplies last.

US Prepared for Flu Pandemic Says Bush
A case of deja vu in reverse or what?

Johnny Depp to Read at Hunter S. Thompson Memorial
Johnny wore a wife-beater then he became one.

Mena Suvari Seeks Separation from Mira Sorvino
So who'd you rather . . . or rather not.

Local News
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West Chester, PA, is home to a public-embarrassment Jackass has-been; a woke university; and the goddamn QVC shopping headquarters. That should be good for a mean-spirited, condescending local news story from time to time.


Pug Bus Quizzes 'n' Polls
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No rhetorical questions allowed. No penalties for guessing wrong. Find out just how much you do know about Schrödinger’s cat and other neat shit."



Postcards the Book
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The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-




You Can't Photoshop This
 

Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this."

 

The Pug Bus Interview
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Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface, because no matter how beautiful a person might be on the inside, you've still got to look at him or her when you're speaking to 'em..Read on.


 
   

image of a gun Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.

 
 
  National Conservation of Gravity Day℠
        Dec 9, 2019 - 3:03
       
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WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa—In 2009 when Barack Obama was less happy and way less rich, he warned that "a critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past" was the greatest existential threat facing this country.

"The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world's population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity," the president explained. "The air travel involved in last year's presidential campaign alone consumed more gravity than the entire 18th century. If we don't do something about conserving gravity, the day will come when we are unable to enjoy a simple game of basketball."

Indeed, the president became concerned about gravity while he was playing basketball in Chicago. "My J was falling short," he said. "It kept hitting the front of the rim. I couldn't have beaten Bill Ayers in a game of H-O-R-S-E the way I was shooting."

        After a few sessions with his shooting coach, President Obama began to worry that there might be a more serious reason for his shooting slump than "not getting enough air" under his jump shot. That suspicion was stoked by the discovery of a shoe box full of unopened correspondence in former President Bush's private study.

The letters in the shoe box were from the American Society for the Conservation of Gravity (ASCG), which had been urging President Bush to take immediate steps to reduce this nation's alarming rate of gravity consumption.

Then ASCG president, Leyland P. Moser, warned the former president that unless the United States moved quickly to curtail its runaway consumption of gravity, "we could face disastrous consequences—among them the disappearance of the forward pass from football and the demise of the trampoline industry." On the plus side, wrote Mr. Moser, "People will literally be able to piss up a rope."

       
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Mr. Moser, who does not fly or use air mail, never got the meeting he had requested from President Bush, but President Obama vowed to correct that omission by executive order. He also announced, "The next time I'm in Chicago I'll bike out to the ASCG's one-story, gravity-conserving headquarters in Schaumberg, Illinois."

Meanwhile, the president has been reading Living Down to Gravity's Challenge, the autobiography of Darwin Crum, who founded the ASCG in March 1980. According to Mr. Crum, "Newton never defined gravity. He simply described what it does. The ASCG, on the other hand, used actual unretouched Xeroxed copies to demonstrate that gravity is produced by LIGREFITEs (Little Invisible Gravity Rays Emanating from Inside The Earth). These LIGREFITEs, which look like threaded rods, originate at the center of the earth and extend outward indefinitely.

"By piercing the electrons at the core of all matter, LIGREFITEs keep everything from floating off into space&mdsah;except for helium and a few other substances that are threaded in the opposite direction. Obviously if we tax the properties of LIGREFITEs by constantly sending objects like airplanes, cheerleaders, and yo-yos up and down--or by constructing tall buildings that put a strain on LIGREFITEs—we wear out their threads and exhaust our supply of gravity."

       
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President Obama, who once considered appointing a Gravity Czar, believed we needed "bold initiatives that will restore people's faith in gravity." He urged all Americans to take more naps under weighted blankets, to form elevator pools at work, to stop flipping pancakes, to use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights, and to set their pop-up toasters on their sides because this not only saves gravity but also results in your toast falling right onto your plate.

Other measures the president recommended included a cap on roller coaster construction and height limits on vertical food presentation. He also wanted all women larger than a 34-B to wear bras; but he dismissed as premature a report that he planned to sign an executive order reducing the ton to 500 pounds.

Roughly a year after President Obama had made these observations, director Kevin Smith was asked to decamp from a Southwest Airlines Oakland-to-Burbank flight because he could not fit into one seat. He was added promptly to the ASCG's no-fly list.

        "Flagrant consumers of gravity such as Mr. Smith—no matter how many seats they purchase or occupy on a flight—are a clear and present danger to this country's dwindling gravity supply, especially if they are allowed to move about the cabin. Therefore, we have placed Mr. Smith on our no-fly list and respectfully suggest that he take the bus next time."

Kevin Smith, who has since become a spokesman for Weight Watchers, wasn't the first celebrity to be grounded by the ASCG. A source close to the group told Postcards from the Pug Bus that Kirstie Alley, Aretha Franklin, Andy Reid, Rex Ryan, and the entire Kardashian family had also been placed on the frequent non-flyers list.

Next Ellen: How scissoring helps to conserve gravity.

   

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

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