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Ten Things You Should Quit While Not Going Gently into That Good Night

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National Free Gluten Day℠
Dec 21, 2019 - 3:44
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WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Celiac disease affects 1 percent of normal Americans. When people with this inherited autoimmune disorder of the small intestine eat bread, pasta, muffins, or other foods containing gluten, their immune systems open up giant-economy-size cans of whup-ass on their persons. It isn't pretty. It could be fatal. That's why people with celiac follow diets completely free of gluten, a protein found in most grains.

Sometime in the last ten years, however, gluten-free (GF) products got themselves a brassy bandwagon and a foam-at-the-mouths posse of non-celiac pretenders who wanted in on the trendy action their kind was helping to make trendy. Circular irony? A national survey taken from 2009 to 2014 revealed that celiac-disease numbers remained stable during that time. The number of people following GF diets tripled, however, from 0.5 percent of the population to nearly 2 percent. WTF?

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Da fuck is celebrities and people with their noses all up in celebrities' butts; self-important hypochondriacs; people who quit self-abuse long enough to indulge in self-diagnosis; food nazis looking for an excuse to make food-service workers miserable; and other camp-following scolds too tedious to mention, let alone tolerate. These are the ass-wipe cretins responsible for making gluten sensitivity a thing, and for the laughable, stupid number of GF products from motor oil to hair spray.

Fortunately, self-deception, like charity, begins at home. According to a study reported in Pathway Genomics, 86 percent of individuals who had convinced themselves they were gluten-sensitive could, in fact, tolerate gluten. (The unbegged question is: who could tolerate them?)

Never mind. Roughly 30 percent of shoppers choose GF foods, and 41 percent of U.S. adults think GF foods provide health benefits for everyone, gluten sensitive or not, living or dead. That's what happens when a stupid, self-serving, magic-underwearlike affectation becomes a thing.

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In the real world, unless you are celiac, there are zero, zip, zilch, nada, nein health benefits to be had from a GF diet. “People think gluten-free food is healthier, but in many cases, it is actually less healthy,” says Rebecca Ditkoff, a Manhattan-based registered dietitian. GF foods are often more processed, higher in fat and sugar, and lower in fiber than their glutinous counterparts.

For sure, GF "foods" are more expensive. The gluten-sensitive choir pays two- to three-times more to sing along to this dumb-ass trend. Yet on Instagram the #glutenfree hashtag has nearly 28 million posts.

Let's matriculate on out of here by pointing a few fingers. Women are more likely than men to avoid gluten. No surprise there, and the GF diet is more popular among 20- to 39-year-olds. Again, no surprise. Among the many stars pimping a GF diet are has-beens like Gwyneth Paltrow and Russell Crowe, and wannabes like Kim Kardashian. Yawn.

And last, a dinner suggestion: a twelve-ounce plate of spaghetti aglio e olio accompanied by half a loaf of real bread. Finish with a gluten-heavy desert. Peace.

Next Ellen: Is gluten-free conversion therapy worth it?

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