Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.
National Load-Managing Jesus Day℠ Dec 17, 2019 - 4:07
EAST OPP, Ala.—The Lord God Amighty announced via Snapchat, Twitter, and Gab yesterday that he is going to load-manage Jesus during the next Hebrew year, 5781, which begins September 19, 2020, and ends on September 6, 2021.
"Load management," a clumsy yet ineffective synonym for "rest," is popular among monkey-see-monkey-do coaches in the National Basketball Association (NBA). The Toronto Raptors, current NBA champions, load-managed Kawhi Leonard twenty-two out of eighty-two regular-season games last season. The gold standard for gold bricking.
Explaining that Jesus is too valuable a property to enter the heart of "every loser with his putz in a wringer," The Lord God Almighty warned that Jesus would be entering fewer hearts this year; and he would not be doing back-to-backs, i.e., entering two hearts in consecutive minutes.
"Don't write a check with your behavior that you can't cash with your prayers," warned The Lord God Almighty, whose announcement confirmed what religious leaders had been whispering quietly among themselves for some time—there's no free ride to forgiveness any more.
Nobody knows that better than Richard C. Pettinger. An unemployed carpet installer, Mr. Pettinger, 26, has been in and out of correctional institutions since he was arrested at the age of thirteen for setting fire to a kitten. His most recent arrest—and his fifth DUI—came on December 7 when he led police on a low-speed, one-mile chase after they had responded to complaints that a man was exposing himself in the parking lot of a Winn-Dixie convenience store.
After Mr. Pettinger had been apprehended and taken to the county prison, he called Everett M. Clark, pastor of East Opp's First United Methodist Church. When Rev. Clark arrived at the prison, Mr. Pettinger said he was ready to accept Jesus into his heart. He asked Rev. Clark to pray with him, and the two men knelt in the cell. No sooner had Mr. Pettinger finished his prayer than Rev. Clark heard a voice saying, "Tell him Jesus is unavailable, coach's decision."
Apparently the get-out-of-jail-free card isn't worth two shekels any more. "Most people who invite Jesus into their hearts on Friday night are drunk again by Sunday afternoon. I don't care if Jesus never sees the inside of a drunkard's heart again, and neither does he."
To eliminate that possibility The Lord God Almighty will beta-test a six-month mandatory waiting period in selective US markets on all requests for Jesus coming from the inebriated, recently divorced, unemployed, imprisoned, or hallucinating. The Lord God Almighty also hinted that he is close to establishing a two-strikes-and-you're-out rule for those who continue to sin after Jesus enters their hearts.
Next Ellen: Is the Holy Spirit masculine or feminine?
Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this."
The Pug Bus Interview
Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface, because no matter how beautiful a person might be on the inside, you've still got to look at him or her when you're speaking to 'em..Read on.