Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Find a Rainbow Day? Fuck that, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else bothers to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Quit While Not Going Gently into That Good Night
3. Seat Belts
4. FOX Fucking News
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. Picking Up Pills That You Drop
7. Pissing Indoors All the Time
8. Talking Baby Talk to Children
9. Stupid-Ass, Dip-Shit, Old-Fart Hats
10. Bathing or Showering Regularly
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.
National The First Time Ever Day℠ Jan 10, 2020 - 4:55
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Most people can recall their first sexual experience, but judging from the responses to the 2020 Postcards from the Pug Bus Sex Survey, not everyone puts a smiley face on that memory. A total of 1,167 people responded to the Pug Bus survey. This penetrating study, the most authoritative of its kind since the Kinsey Report, ripped the covers off startling facts about the first-time sexual experiences of typical Americans.
Survey participants were asked to complete the following statement: "My first sexual experience was . . ." The choices, which ranged from "awesome" to "illegal in most Southern states," also included "anticlimactic," "costly," and "self-inflicted."
The largest percentage of those surveyed, 31 percent, described their first sexual experience as "anticlimactic."
"This obviously indicates that premature ejaculation, especially among virgins, is more common than previously thought," said television's Dr. Phil. "In a sense a lot of people broke the toy before they got it out of the box."
The second largest cohort, 29 percent, described their first sexual experience as "awesome." Whether this was a consequence of beginners' luck, faulty memory, or self-deception is a question for further study.
Interestingly, 23 percent of the respondents described their first sexual experience as "illegal in most Southern states."
"There are a number of possible explanations for that response," said Dr. Phil. "Outdated Sabbath laws that remain on the books in many Southern states is the simplest one. What's perfectly legal on Saturday night, fellatio in a moving motor vehicle, for example, is against the law on Sunday morning, especially within five hundred yards of a church.
"In other cases, sex with llamas or junior high school cheerleaders to name just two, are illegal 24/7/365. If you do that in Dixie, you're gonna do time."
The next most popular response category, "self-inflicted," is the most difficult to interpret. Just 15 percent of the respondents said their first sexual experience came in their own hands. Perhaps the old myths about going blind or growing hair on one's palms are more influential than we know. Perhaps people who chose "self-inflicted" misread the question. Future editions of the survey will need to get a better grip on this issue.
Finally, just 3 percent of respondents to the survey described their first sexual experience as costly. One suspects that this question was the most age specific. As people get older, their first sexual experiences tend to become more expensive, for obvious reasons.