Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot/hash/shatter/live resin carts has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations. Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click here.
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National AARP Senior Sperm Day℠ Jan 3, 2020 - 5:55
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will issue a two-finger proclamation sometime today, declaring that (1) January 3 will henceforth and hereinafter be known as National AARP Senior Sperm Day and (2) sperm samples provided by men older than fifty-five will compete in a seniors division in laboratory fertility tests.
The AARP declaration comes hard on the heels of the release of a National Academy of Sciences study, which found that as men get older, their sperm deteriorates, and this debilitated sperm (or senior moment) might contribute to certain birth defects.
"Our research arm indicates that differences in spermatic performance on laboratory tests peter out when older sperm competes against sperm of a similar vintage," said AARP senior reproduction specialist George "Lento" Gonzales. "From the distance medley to agility tests to penetration measures, performance in the trenches demonstrates that mature sperm should not be discarded out of hand."
Arguing that laboratory tests "are biased in favor of jackrabbit sperm," Mr. Gonzales said mature sperm remains just as capable as the younger variety, which is not without cockups of its own.
"Young sperm is subject to more spillage, greater runoff, and more false starts," said Mr. Gonzales, "and for every senior sperm that falls asleep or crashes into a vaginal wall before it reaches an egg, there's a 'green' sperm that runs another sperm off the road or gets into a fight before it delivers its payload.
"The proof is in the putting, so to speak," added Mr. Gonzales. "Strom Thurmond, Tony Randall, and Paul McCartney were all rowing on Golden Pond when they fathered children."
In related news, presidential candidate and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden announced his support for a constitutional amendment guaranteeing the reproductive rights of senior sperm as long as their donors can pass a drug test. He stopped uncharacteristically short of demonstrating the viability of his own sperm.
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The Pug Bus Interview
Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface, because no matter how beautiful a person might be on the inside, you've still got to look at him or her when you're speaking to 'em..Read on.