Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Find a Rainbow Day? Fuck that, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else bothers to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Quit While Not Going Gently into That Good Night
3. Seat Belts
4. FOX Fucking News
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. Picking Up Pills That You Drop
7. Pissing Indoors All the Time
8. Talking Baby Talk to Children
9. Stupid-Ass, Dip-Shit, Old-Fart Hats
10. Bathing or Showering Regularly
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National AARP Senior Sperm Day℠ Jan 3, 2020 - 5:55
"This is really a cluster fuck."
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will issue a two-finger proclamation sometime today, declaring that (1) January 3 will henceforth and hereinafter be known as National AARP Senior Sperm Day and (2) sperm samples provided by men older than fifty-five will compete in a seniors division in laboratory fertility tests.
The AARP declaration comes hard on the heels of the release of a National Academy of Sciences study, which found that as men get older, their sperm deteriorates, and this debilitated sperm (or senior moment) might contribute to certain birth defects.
"Beautiful girls, walk a little slower . . . "
"Our research arm indicates that differences in spermatic performance on laboratory tests peter out when older sperm competes against sperm of a similar vintage," said AARP senior reproduction specialist George "Lento" Gonzales. "From the distance medley to agility tests to penetration measures, performance in the trenches demonstrates that mature sperm should not be discarded out of hand."
Arguing that laboratory tests "are biased in favor of jackrabbit sperm," Mr. Gonzales said mature sperm remains just as capable as the younger variety, which is not without cockups of its own.
"Young sperm is subject to more spillage, greater runoff, and more false starts," said Mr. Gonzales, "and for every senior sperm that falls asleep or crashes into a vaginal wall before it reaches an egg, there's a 'green' sperm that runs another sperm off the road or gets into a fight before it delivers its payload.
We will sell no sperm beyond its time.
"The proof is in the putting, so to speak," added Mr. Gonzales. "Strom Thurmond, Tony Randall, and Paul McCartney were all rowing on Golden Pond when they fathered children."
In related news, presidential candidate and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden announced his support for a constitutional amendment guaranteeing the reproductive rights of senior sperm as long as their donors can pass a drug test. He stopped uncharacteristically short of demonstrating the viability of his own sperm.