National Unbaptize the Dead Day℠

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National Unbaptize the Dead Day℠
Jan 8, 2020 - 5:00

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–We take no small measure of joy in knowing there are people in the world quietly going about undoing the work done by others in god's name. The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) is one such group. We honor them by pausing to observe National Unbaptize the Dead Day.

Last month, while much of the world was swept up in gee-golly-whiz enthusiasm over the Hallmark Nativity Ruse, UCBA began unbaptizing select members of the dead. This according to the group's founder, the Reverend Philip Feral. Believed to be the first program of its kind in West Goshen Township, which was Money Magazine's eleventh-best small town in America in 2009, unbaptizing removes "the taint of baptism" from the deceased.

"Baptism is the original sin," declared the Reverend Feral, "inflicted on innocent children without their consent. From the time of Abraham the notion of sacrificing a blameless child to a demanding deity has been the true believer's go-to move, but arguments in its favor do not hold (holy) water. If churches were honest, they would raise the age of consent for baptism to twenty-one, at least."

According to the Reverend Feral, a duly ordained minister in the Church of Secular Humanism, "We intend to scrub the taint of baptism from the souls of the dearly departed who were baptized before they knew what had hit them. Of course we are using souls ironically, a fact that may go unnoticed by your basic delusional Christian with his or her nose up god's ass."

As explained by the Reverend Feral, the unbaptism ceremony borrows from the Mormon model.

"Just write the stiff's name on a piece of paper, dip the paper into the drink of your choice, and by the time you finish the drink, it's as if the person was never baptized. A person with a moderate thirst could unbaptize two or three people in one go, and economize by drinking during happy hour."

The Reverend Feral refers to the practice of unbaptism as "the Gordian Knot solution." In Greek mythology, King Gordius of Phrygia tied the pole of his oxcart to its yoke with a knot so intricate that no one could undo it. Finally Alexander the Great came along, looked at the knot, and said, "Fuck this." He drew his sword and cut the knot in two.

The first person the UBCA unbaptized was the Historical Jesus. Subsequent honorees included Mother Teresa and popes John I through XXIII. Future plans include an unblessing of the animals.

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