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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Paris Hilton Rocks the Court in Soft New Look
Jun 9, 2007 - 9:48:00 AM
an image
A softer, more human Pais Hilton.
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton was back in court yesterday, rocking a new look that promises to be the rage in Hollywood and all points trendy quicker than you can say "Rachel Zoe."

Ms. Hilton, who has never been a truly hip couture icon despite all the money she spends on clothes, stunned the fashion world yesterday when she emerged from her Beverly Hills mansion styling a fabulous waif-cum-heroin-chic look for her perp walk to a waiting police car and another date with that mean Judge Sauer.

Left in the closet was the severely tailored business-dominatrix look Ms. Hilton had sported for her first trip to Judge Sauerpuss's den. For yesterday's verbal spanking Ms. Hilton selected a heartbreakingly simple, nubby gray sweatshirt and matching sweatpants; and the frosting on the cake, ta-da, there wasn't any goddamn frosting. Word of truth, boys and girls, Paris Hilton went commando from the neck up for a change!!!

"I have never seen Paris looking so, so natural; I guess that's the word I'm looking for," gushed Vogue editor Anna Wintour, as much as she is capable of gushing. "Her porcelain-goddess look was so overdone. I think she was wise to use her vulnerability to such good advantage."

an image
The eyes are the windows of the cell.
Bad boy designer Todd Oldham agreed.

"The distressed, Kate Moss look was brilliant. Girlfriend played that like a Margaret Keane painting. Whoever would have thought that appearing in public without makeup for the first time since she was three would make her appear so fetching?"

Rumors about Ms. Hilton's turn toward the natural began to leak out of the Century Regional Detention Facility during her first stay there earlier this week. According to fashion watchers on the inside, Ms. Hilton stopped brushing her hair, which gave it a beguilingly casual frizz; and, are you ready for this, she even stopped wearing her contact lenses, letting her eyes revert to their natural brown.

So just when it looked as if Paris Hilton's chief contribution to fashion would be making ankle bracelets de rigueur this summer, she's shown the world once again that even in the midst of adversity she still has the power to reinvent herself at will. That's why we'll always have Paris.


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