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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Astronaut Lisa Nowak Boosts Depends Sales | Medifast Coupons
Feb 8, 2007 - 1:31:00 PM
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HOUSTON - Although charges of attempted kidnapping and murder have just been brought against astronaut Lisa Nowak as a result of her bizarre attack on a co-worker's girlfriend, there is a no reason to fear that Nowak is all wet.

The forty-three-year-old defendant did drive nine hundred miles from her home in Houston, Texas, to the Orlando, Florida, airport, where she pepper sprayed U.S. Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, who, Nowak believed, had been waxing horizontal with her former squeeze astronaut William Oefelein.

What's more, police did find latex gloves, a black wig, BB pistol, pepper spray, a two-pound drilling hammer, black gloves, plastic garbage bags, an 8-inch (20 cm) Gerber folding knife, and a supply of Depend in Nowak's car. According to a police report, Nowak wore a Depend to avoid bathroom breaks during her trip to Orlando.

Depend, the leading maker of adult diapers, has garnered not only prime product placement in this sad, soggy tale but also a new spokesmodel.

"Lisa has opened a whole new demographic for us," confirmed a company source. "We had been focusing on the incontinence issue, but now we have the gal-on-the-go angle. We see a whole Lady Depend product line in the making.

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"Lisa's really flushed out the concept," he chuckled. "I hear she was hording Medifast coupons to swap on Craiglist for Depend coupons. They seem to be an even trade on the coupon blackmarket.

"Think of all the things the modern woman can do while wearing Depend: drink five cups of coffee, make great time on the Georgia state parkway, and have a full psychotic break. All June Allyson ever did was play tennis."

Already in the works are print ads featuring the now ubiquitous mug shot and the tag: "What makes a Depend girl? When your first priority is to make good time, your second is to confront that bitch, that's the only number 1 or number 2 you want on your mind."

Even NASA is getting on board with the ad launch, seeing an official adult diaper endorsement as a way to show support and unstain the soiled reputations of its ranks.

"Never underestimate the positive power of the astronaut," insisted a rep for the space agency. "Look how we took an odd-tasting, chemically enhanced orange powder called Tang and made it America's wholesome breakfast drink.

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Protection a lady can
depend on.
"Depend is just a natural extension of that product. You can't drink anything up there without needing a diaper. Fortunately, in space no one can hear you pee."

Seeing that the case has yet to reach trial, doesn't Depend feel it's a bit premature to back a spokesmodel who could prove to be an insane, pepper-spraying psychopath?

"That's not how we see it at all," insists the inside source. "Our view is that the woman who wears Lady Depend stands for passion, intrigue, and a love that makes you weak in the bladder."


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