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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning
Dec 22, 2009 - 10:35:00 AM
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"Do you think this mustache makes me look like a dweeb?"
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HEAVEN - God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: "I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that they're on a first-name basis with me. If you want to know the truth, I still need a scorecard to tell the players apart."

Declaring that "this pointing situation is getting out of hand," god observed, "It used to be that players pointed north after scoring a touchdown or kicking a field goal, but some gee-golly types are even pointing toward the sky after making a first down."

God allowed that he was aware of the idea that "these jocks" are trying to redirect all glory to him rather than themselves, "but really," he asked, "after creating the Grand Canyon, how much more glory do I need?

"How is my glory going to be increased in any meaningful way by David Akers' kicking a 42-yard-field goal for the Eagles? Do you know how many forty-two-yard field goals it would take to fill the Grand Canyon. Gimme a break, for Christ's sake."

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And all this time we thought it was Campbell's soup that kept Donovan going.
God explained that he had singled out NFL players for censure because basketball players—apart from the ones who pray before shooting free throws—don't make a big deal out of public displays of thanksgiving. As for baseball, "Frankly, I don't know what goes on there," god admitted, "because I don't watch baseball that much."

God closed by saying that he was prepared to make public the church attendance records of persons who continue to "name check me" despite this warning.

Niles Dickinson, president of the recently formed Committee for the Separation of Church and Sports, hailed God's warning as "a step in the right direction, but what we really need is for the NFL rules committee to call pointing to the sky for what it is—taunting and excessive celebration."



In related news, God concluded his warning about overly demonstrative athletes with the following observation: "I've received all the Chris Henry prayers I care to receive. I had my reasons for not saving Chris Henry."


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