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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Text of Obama's Jobs Speech Leaked
Sep 6, 2011 - 2:30:00 PM
an image
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The text of President Obama's major address about jobs, scheduled to be delivered before a joint session of Congress Thursday night, has been obtained by the Washington Post's Bob Woodward.

Although Mr. Woodward declined to say how he had obtained the text, he did say he was surprised at "the boldness of President Obama's vision and his willingness to think outside the box." He was also impressed with the brevity of Mr. Obama's speech, presented below in it's entirety.

"My Fellow Americans,
"I have come here tonight--though I would have preferred to have come here last night--to talk to you about jobs: Steve Jobs. As you probably know, Mr. Jobs resigned his post as CEO of Apple recently, so he, like many of you, is now employed.

"I can empathize with Mr. Jobs because some people think I'll be unemployed before long. I further empathize with this great American because—as he once was—I am widely considered to be a failure. Remember, Mr. Jobs' own company voted him out in 1985, just nine years after he had founded the organization.

"How did that work out for Apple? By 1996 the company was weeks away from bankruptcy and had to ask Mr. Jobs to return and save it's bacon; and save the bacon he did, authoring the greatest comeback in corporate history.

"I like to think I see a lot of Mr. Jobs in myself: the brilliance and the strength of character, the patience and tenacity, the willingness to work for a shared solution rather than insisting that my way is the best way. Those are the qualities I will bring to the table if my opponents will let me: qualities that will show even my harshest critics what American workers and American business and the American economy can achieve in a truly bipartisan effort.

"In closing let me remind you that Mr. Jobs has succeeded because he doesn't start with compromise and doesn't give away bargaining chips before negotiations have even begun. Those are the virtues that made Steve Jobs a success, and those are the virtues I will use to put America back to work."

In related news, Speaker of the House, John Boehner, announced after reading a copy of President Obama's speech: "I know Steve Jobs, Mr. President, and you're no Steve Jobs."


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