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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

The Grammar Prick Dares You to Take This Pronoun Test
Sep 22, 2011 - 11:08:00 AM
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WEST CHESTER, Penna. - This morning I read the following sentence on a blog: "Anyone who thinks that having a child will improve their marriage has it all wrong." Now I ask you, fellow English speakers, did you find any grammatical spanners in the works here?

No, you say. There's nothing to see here, keep moving. The sentence makes sense. Kids don't improve marriages, unless stretch marks, sagging tits, and fewer opportunities to get your freak on constitute an improvement in your house. If they do, Octomom must have an orgasm every time the doorbell rings.

So let me put it this way: in the sentence "Anyone who thinks that having a child will improve . . . marriage has it all wrong," the elipses should be replaced with a) their stinking marriage, b) his stinking marriage, c) her stinking marriage, d) his or her stinking marriage, e) anything but answer a.

That was easy. You had four out of five goddamn chances of guessing the correct answer. As long as you didn't choose answer a, you don't have egg in your teeth. Because anyone is singular, the pronoun that refers to anyone must be singular also. That eliminates their, which everybody knows is plural, you jackass.

Ready for another one? Good. "Each child was told to have . . . parent consent form signed in order to participate in the school's LSD experiment."

Is it a) his, b) their, c) her, d) his or her, or e) a (the letter not the answer)?

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This is what happens, boys and girls, if you violate the rules of noun-pronoun agreement.
Another easy one. If you chose b, stab yourself in the eye with a fork and go to your room. If you chose a, c, or d, you were paying attention to the previous question. If you chose answer e, you're probably a lawyer.

OK. One more for all the English-as-a-second-language members of the audience. "Agents for Scarlett Johansson have threatened to sue the shit out of anybody who harbors nude photos of Scarlett's ass on . . . computer."

Is it a) his, b) her, c) their, d) his or her, or e) any?

If you answered c, stab yourself in the other eye, Oedipus. If you answered a, b, or d, give yourself a pat on the ass. If you answered e, you should be a lawyer. Give somebody else a pat on the ass.

Well, that's all the time The Grammar Prick has today, boys and girls. He needs to go out and chase some kids off his lawn, but he'll be back soon with another opportunity for you to find out how wretched your "command" of English really is.

News Update (10/23/11): The assholes at How-To Geek came up with this gem recently: "The Software Extension every Office Worker Needs for Their Computer." See it for yourself here. Tell 'em The Grammar Prick sent you.

News Update (10/26/11): The folks at the Bush website made this rude noise recently: "The new BUSH album, The Sea of Memories, is steeped in the notion that one has to know where they came from to know where they're going." See it for yourself here. Tell 'em The Grammar Prick sent you.



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