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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Trey Anastasio App Pulled by Google, Phish Fans Bummed
Sep 30, 2011 - 11:13:00 AM
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MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. - In a move that is certain to harsh the mellows of thousands of Phish fans, Google announced late yesterday that it has cancelled the release of the greatly anticipated Trey Anastasio app, which had been scheduled for release at 4:20 a.m. today, the singer's forty-seventh birthday.

Ronald Forbin, chief of quality control for Google's Android Open Source Project (AOSP), cited multiple problems with the app's Trey Talk interactive feature as the main reason for the cancellation.

"Trey Talk was the centerpiece of the application," said Mr. Forbin, "the feature that we hoped would set it apart from run-of-the-mill music apps that merely allow people to access a performer's tour dates, set lists, and merchandise store."

Trey Talk—built on sophisticated, artificial intelligence software—was designed to allow users to ask Trey a question simply by launching the app and speaking into their cell phones. After a nanosecond's pause, Trey Talk answered the question as though Mr. Anastasio—who resembles a literate Chuck Norris—were on the other end of the line.

"We put Trey Talk through extensive beta testing, and we thought we were good to go," said Susan Greenberg, chief of product testing for AOSP. "In a last minute, pre-release check, however, our technicians discovered that Trey Talk's response to any question grew noticeably longer the more often that question was asked. To our shock we found that some of Trey Talk's answers were running fifteen to twenty minutes and longer."

Ms. Greenberg also revealed that Trey Talk "had a tendency" to interrupt people and to begin answering a question before it had been completed.

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Although she declined to say how AOSP had made the discovery, Ms. Greenberg acknowledged that Trey Talk malfunctioned whenever anyone within twenty feet of an open alcoholic beverage or a lit spliff attempted to use the app. Before users who were toking up had a chance to ask their questions, Trey Talk delivered an anti-drug (or alcohol) rant.

Not surprisingly, Phish fans' glow sticks have lost some of their glow because of the cancellation and Trey's aggressive sobriety after years of being the most stoned dude in the room.

"This really blows," said Jared Ruffin, an employee at Hood's dairy in Burlington, Vermont. "It's almost as bad as the time Trey put on a suit and testified before Congress that he had seen a lot of guys using drugs when he was in prison for two days. Bummer, man."


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