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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.

Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."

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Raffaele Sollecito Eager to Step Out of Amanda Knox's Shadow
Oct 3, 2011 - 10:07:00 AM
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"We're not in Hogwarts anymore."
PERUGIA, Italy - No matter what happens when an Italian court reaches a verdict in the appeals trial of Raffaele Sollecito and Amanda Knox today, Mr. Sollecito says he is ready to be "my own man (un uomo con grandi testicoli)," not "a puppy on a leash," as he has been called by the Italian press.

Two years ago Mr. Sollecito and Ms. Knox were found guilty of the murder of British exchange student Meredith Kercher. Ms. Kercher had been found dead on November 1, 2007, in the house she shared with Ms. Knox and two other women in this university town. Ms. Kercher, then 21, had been stabbed repeatedly and her throat had been slashed.

Italian authorities quickly decided that Mr. Sollecito had held Ms. Kercher from behind while Ms. Knox stabbed her, and another man tried to assault her sexually. The other man, Ivorian immigrant Rudy Guede, was convicted for his part in the murder and sentenced to thirty years in prison, a sentence that was later reduced to sixteen years on appeal.

Although Ms. Knox and Mr. Sollecito were lovers and co-defendants, Ms. Knox, a late-blooming American exchange student from Seattle, got all the attention in the press. She was described as a "sex-crazed woman (puttana sesso-folle)" and a "drugged-up tart (una ragazza con una vagina sporca)" and worse.

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What a difference a few years in prison make.
Mr. Sollecito—then 23 and three years older than Ms. Knox—was described as a fey, Harry Potter lookalike (e forse un segreto omosessuale) who was already Ms. Knox's lap dog even though they had known each other only six days at the time of the murder. He received a twenty-five-year sentence; she got twenty-six years. Both have been in prison while awaiting their appeals trial.

"Raffaele isn't as worried about remaining in prison as he is about the damage to his manhood," said Umberto Del Grasso, a friend of Mr. Sollecito. "He is also furious that he was portrayed in the press as a virgin (una vergine con un pene piccolo) at the time he met Amanda."

When Ms. Knox made her final statement to the judges who will decide her fate today, she portrayed herself as someone incapable of such a crime. Mr. Sollecito, who appeared in court with a do-it-yourself buzz cut and construction boots, used his address to brag about his growing collection of Japanese pornography, his knives, and all the women he had known before Ms. Knox. He also showed off his newly buff physique and the prison tattoos on his chest.

"I am not the little baby (uomo che bacia un pene) that people say I am," declared Mr. Sollecito. "You might take away my freedom, but you can't take away my manhood (gigantesco pene palpitante della morte)."

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"Una ragazza con una vagina sporca." (L'Osservatore Romano)
Then Mr. Sollecito dramatically ripped off a bracelet he had been wearing, which bore the inscription, "Free Raffaele and Amanda." He threw the bracelet to the floor, grabbed his crotch, then stomped on the bracelet.

"I don't need any stinking bracelet to make me free. I am already free, free of the lies the press spread about me."

He concluded by saying that he had been at home all night when Ms. Kercher was murdered.

"I was smoking marijuana with three whores and downloading movies from Pirate Bay."

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