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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

First Steve Jobs Miracles Reported, Brown Declares Steve Jobs Day
Oct 15, 2011 - 9:03:00 AM
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CUPERTINO, Calif. - As initial reports of the first miracles credited to the divine intervention of Steve Jobs began flickering across the digital divide, California Governor Jerry Brown declared Sunday October 16 "Steve Jobs Day" in Mr. Jobs's home state of California. Mr. Brown tweeted the announcement last night, using the Twitter app on his Steve Jobs Signature Model iPad2.

Mr. Jobs's battery gave out on October 5, when he died at age 56 after a losing batle with pancreatic cancer. Coincidentally, one of the first miracles attributed to Mr. Jobs involved the battery in an iPad.

"The battery in my iPad died about four months ago," said Maury Jacobs, an accountant in San Jose. "Apple made it impossible to simply put a new battery in—you have to send the whole damn thing back to them, and they'll swap your old machine for a new one for a mere $99. Frankly, I was going to switch from my iPad to one of the more convenient Android tablets, but the day after Steve died, the iPad booted itself up and it's been running fine ever since."

Similar stories are as common on the internet as Nigerian bank scams. A woman in Bakersfield whose arthritis prevented her from using the keyboard on a PC, discovered the day after Mr. Jobs had died, that she was able to use the virtual keyboard on her son's iPad.

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"Bless you, Mr. Jobs," she typed at an astonishing sixty-five words per minute. "You are indeed a saint."

As might be expected, not all reported Steve Jobs miracles are genuine. There are bogus reports circulating that following Mr. Jobs's death, Flash videos were suddenly being played on iPads, where previously they had been banned.

"That's horsefeathers," said a source at Apple. "Steve so hated Adobe that he would never countenance the use of Flash on any of his products ever. I personally often heard him say, 'I'll crush those mother-fuckers if it's the last thing I do.'"

Apple has invited some of Silicon Valley's biggest names to a private memorial service for Mr. Jobs on Sunday. The event will be held on Stanford University's campus in Palo Alto. Apple is requesting that the public "keep a respectful distance" from the invitation-only service.

According to a company press release issued this morning: "We ask that people not bring lame and halt iPods, iPads, and iPhones to the ceremony in hope of scoring a miracle cure. Steve was all about miracles, to be sure, but people would be better served if they took their nonfunctioning units to a candlelight vigil at their local Apple store."

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In related news: Apple also announced plans to host a memorial event for its employees to celebrate Mr. Jobs's life at its headquarters in Cupertino, California, on October 19. Apple is asking that at noon PDST, people around the world turn on their mobile Apple devices and point them skyward in an event being called Occupy the Universe.


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