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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

President Obama Restores the Serial Comma to Federal Stylebook
Oct 26, 2011 - 10:38:00 AM
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Obama giveth what Bush hath taken away.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama is expected to sign an executive order today that will reinstate the rules regarding the use of the serial comma to the Federal Elements of Style, the official guidebook for matters of grammar and usage in federal documents. The signing, accompanied by virtually no fanfare, is typical of the low-key manner in which President Obama has gone about reversing many of the policies of his predecessor.

"As he did when he reversed President Bush's executive order mandating the use of Freedom fries instead of French fries on White House menus, President Obama is working behind the scenes to restore sanity and balance to federal discourse," top presidential advisor David Axelrod told the Reverend Al Sharpton on his MSNBC program, PoliticsNation, last night.

President Bush's executive order #20050412, which went into effect on Christmas Eve 2005, prohibited the use of the serial comma in official federal documents. The president's order came at a time when his approval ratings were disastrously low and a majority of Americans said they did not believe the president had a plan to employ the serial comma effectively. Therefore, he chose to eliminate it.

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The serial comma is the comma that occurs before and in expressions such as red, white, and blue or piss, shit, and vinegar. Admittedly the serial comma could be omitted in those examples without resulting in confusion or unintentionally humorous results. In the following dedication, not so much: To my parents, Ayn Rand and God.

The writer of the following sentence in an review of a tribute to Merle Haggard could have benefitted from using the serial comma as well: "Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.

"President Bush never 'got' the serial comma," said Mr. Axelrod. "Besides, he was intimidated because the serial comma is also known as the Oxford comma."

For these and other reasons President Bush argued that the price of maintaining the serial comma would have involved a significant outlay for tutoring that could not be justified when the United States was already fighting wars against poverty, drugs, crime, terrorism, breast cancer, bullying, and other evils.

Conservatives were quick to condemn President Obama's decision as "another attempt to micromanage government and another example of how he's not like us." The president's base, however, lauded him for not giving into "those elements" that would weaken the federal government.

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Freedom bulldog (l) and Freedom fries (r).
"Now we can be sure that our intended meaning is safe and will be understood without confusion," said Vice president Biden. "If my good friend the president had permitted the serial comma—this stalwart defender against anarchy—to languish, where was it going to end? The mandatory use of the comma splice?"

In related news, White House said the president is "close to making a decision" about whether or not to reverse President Bush's executive order prohibiting federal employees from listening to the Dixie Chicks on personal music-playing devices during working hours.


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