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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Apple Fans Scurry to Parse Steve Jobs's Final Words
Oct 31, 2011 - 9:37:00 AM
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PALO ALTO, Calif. - Apple watchers have begun what could be a long and winding effort to interpret the final words of Steve Jobs, who died of pancreatic cancer on October 5. Just before his death Mr. Jobs uttered the words that have sparked an interpretive frenzy, "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow."

This utterance, like Mr. Jobs himself, is at once elegant and simple, exhibiting the trademark sleekness and beauty that are hallmarks of the Apple style. There are no wasted words here, but in this spareness lies their beauty.

"Steve revolutionized final statements, just like he revolutionized computers and cell phones," said an employee at an Apple store in Palo Alto, California. "Every time I read those words I find something new in them that I hadn't noticed before."

On web sites like steveslastwords.com the faithful have begun to debate the meaning of "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow." That debate starts with punctuation. Some observers hold that Mr. Jobs spoke three sentences, not one. They argue, therefore, that each wow should be followed by a period and that each oh should be written with an uppercase O. A splinter group claims that each wow should be followed by an exclamation point, and among those who favor a one-sentence approach, some say the first two wows ought to be followed by commas while others prefer semi-colons.

As structuralists debate punctuation, others pore over the meaning of "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow." Some even say the words have no meaning.

"I think 'Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow' was Steve's mantra," said a visitor on the What Did Steve Mean? Facebook page. "Wouldn't it be ironic if instead of some exotic mantra prescribed by a spiritual teacher, Steve used a hackneyed expression of wonder?"

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"I wouldn't look for irony in these words," cautioned Mr. Jobs's friend Bono. "Steve didn't have an ironic bone in his body. I think he was hinting at some deeper truth, the way I always do in my music."

On web sites devoted to the final words of Mr. Jobs—including the gay stevedores.com site—dominant theories suggest that Mr. Jobs was speaking metaphorically at the end.

"Steve revolutionized the use of metaphors just like he revolutionized computers and cell phones," said Apple's aroma therapist, Winona.

Were Steve Jobs's final words a reaction to the dazzling white light that many people who have had near-death experiences report seeing? Was he responding in awe to scenes from his own life?

Answers to those questions may not come until book-length treatments of "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow" are published. The first, from biographer Kitty Kelly, is due in stores this Friday. It's called The Steve Jobs I Didn't Talk To.


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