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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

How NBA Players Economized During the Lockout
Dec 8, 2011 - 1:13:00 PM
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MIAMI - NBA players will finally report to training camps tomorrow to prepare for the 2011-2012 season, which begins December 25 this year, nearly two months later than usual.

At the start of most NBA seasons, players report to camp eager to pimp the Hummers and Ferraris they bought during their summer vacations. This is not most seasons, however. Since Lebron James last disappeared in the NBA playoffs, team owners locked players out of team facilities while mugging them for their fifth-car money in contract negotiations. Consequently your average NBA millionaire has missed a few paychecks so far this season.

Indeed many players and their posses feared there wouldn't be any paychecks for a long time. That prospect wasn't troubling to established megastars like Kobe Bryant and Dwayne Wade, who spill more money than most people make, but eight spots or so down the average NBA bench the outlook isn't all tight pussy and loose shoes. Some of those sorry git have to make do on $2.3 million a year or so.

As a result, more than a few players are expected to show up for training camp in the same SUVs they were driving at the end of last season. One or two may have had their vehicles repainted since the spring, but they aren't fooling anybody. Most NBA players can spot a new paint job faster than they can spot a teammate going back door in a half court set.

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As shocking as it might be to consider, some basketball players were forced to resort to other drastic economies besides new paint jobs on year-old vehicles. Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley, in the last year of his rookie contract, replied via email that he had begun car pooling to strip clubs in order to save money during the lockout.

Mr. Beasley was not the only NBA player on a budget. The Dallas Mavericks Delonte West laughed about buying Dom Perignon in a box, which he orders by the case from Sam's Club. Mr. West also reported that he was able to save "a couple of Benjamin's a month" by purchasing his psychotropic medications from Mexican pharmacies over the Internet.

Just as no two NBA player's cornrows are alike, so their approach to economy takes many forms. The most frequently mentioned in a recent Pug Bus survey were:

*Skipping child support payments
*Having their heads shaved and waxed less frequently
*Recycling condoms
*Cooking with edible underwear
*Not making it rain in clubs so much
*Farting through cotton
*Smoking middlings instead of buds
*Do-it-yourself tattoo kits
*If it's yellow, let it mellow . . ."


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