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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Romney Refutes Santorum's Stool Sample Claim
Jan 9, 2012 - 11:37:00 AM
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CONCORD, N.H. - The shit hit the fan yesterday morning when Republican presidential hopefuls met for a debate on Meet the Press. Toward the end of the debate Rick Santorum dropped a bombshell when he announced that he was planning to bring the Marian Stool on tour as a means of energizing his base and demonstrating God's preference for his candidacy.

The legend of the Marian Stool began in 2006 when Mr. Santorum, who was then in the middle of an unsuccessful campaign for a third term in the U.S. Senate, left a stool sample at a Catholic hospital in Philadelphia before attending a fundraising event in the city.

The lab technician assigned to spin the sample screamed and fainted when she retrieved it from its vial. She was struck by the sample's uncanny resemblance to the Blessed Virgin Mary. The technician also noticed that the senator's stool, literally, did not stink.

"I knew I was in the presence of something holy the minute I saw it," said Valencia Garcia, the lab technician. "It looked just like the Virgin Mary on the prayer card I always carry in my lab coat pocket. I picked the sample up, and I felt emotion come over me. It was like a sign."

Garcia, who had just learned that she was pregnant, said there was no way she could have supported a child on her salary, especially since the state legislature had cut the hospital's funding.

"I prayed to the stool sample to help me," she said. "Soon afterward I began spotting. I took another pregnancy test when I got home from work that day, and it was negative. It's a miracle I was on duty to test Mr. Santorum's sample!"

The "Marian Stool," as it came to be known, was secured in cold storage, but news of Garcia's miracle quickly found its way into the media. Hordes of devout Catholics, many of them with unplanned pregnancies, began pilgrimages to Philadelphia in hope of receiving a miracle from the senator's feces, and when Santorum's stool began weeping tears of blood, even the Vatican took notice. Pope Benedict XVI appointed a council to authenticate the miraculous event scientifically.

"As with all purported manifestations of the Blessed Virgin, rigorous testing must be completed in order for the Vatican to proclaim them authentic," said Vatican spokesman Antonio Renaldi, S.J.

Because the Vatican's tests were inconclusive, the Marian Stool was transferred from the hospital to a cryogenic vault in the basement of the senator's estate in Virginia, the same vault where he keeps the body of his dead baby, Gabriel, and there the matter remained—until yesterday morning's announcement.

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When Santorum made that announcement, Rick Perry was heard to mutter, "He really pulled that one out of his ass."

Front runner Mitt Romney, however, was prepared with a response.

"That story just won't float," said Romney. "My sources have obtained a copy of the hospital's in-house investigation of the so-called Marian Stool. The DNA from the blood did match that of the senator, but the unusual shape of the stool, including the flared 'base' that allows it to stand up, was evidently the result of extreme fecal impaction. There was no evidence of a supernatural cause."

Before he could continue, Rick Perry said, "Next thing we know he'll be claiming he can shit diamonds."

Glaring at the Texas governor, Romney continued, "Further testing revealed the presence of semen from an unknown source in the Marian Stool, as well as a recreational substance identified as 'Elbow Grease Quickie-Lube' and 'Boy butter.' You can draw your own conclusions about the origin of that, but I don't think it was divine."

Moderator David Gregory, who appeared to be halfway between a shit and a sweat at that point, quickly asked Newt Gingrich a question about "the separation of church and stool, I mean state."

Following the debate, Senator Santorum's public relations office could not be reached for comment. The senator—notorious for his vehement opposition to gay rights, abortion, and the teaching of evolution in public schools—faces a difficult nomination fight as well as a continual, albeit futile, effort to re-position his surname on Google.


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