Home   Ass Hat Awards   Celebrities   Fashion   Lifestyle   Music   News   Politics   Religion   Sports   Technology   Our Staff   Contact
Search This Site

Trending Now on Pug Bus
George Zimmerman Rescue Effort Criticized
Satirist Declares, "Don't Call Me a White Person Anymore"
Detroit Bankruptcy Blamed on Shift in Autoeroticism Tastes
St. Theneva, Patron Saint of Breast Reductions
Post Office Will Issue Trayvon Martin Stamp

Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Norton Internet Security Now Refuses to Let Customers Uninstall
Jul 25, 2013 - 9:55
an image
WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Norton Internet Security has quietly rolled out its you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave uninstall policy. We learned about this new "safeguard" when we attempted to update our Java software and became the unsuspecting recipient of a free fifteen-day trial version of the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠ as well.

We do not remember specifically asking to lease this monster, but the memory of the three-day struggle to free ourselves from its protective grasp remains seared on our brain as if it had been applied with a branding iron.

Upon seeing the dreaded Norton icon in our system tray and wondering what the hell it was doing there—and noticing also that our computer was running slower than a sumo wrestler in quicksand—we right-clicked on the icon and rest is misery.

That click produced a fifteen-choice popup menu that did not include an uninstall option. There were nine upgrade options, four non-transferrable lifetime-purchase options, one option that bounced us out of the popup menu altogether, and one option buried in the middle that read "Trust Us."

an image
Is this man the anti-Christ?
We weren't feeling all that trustful, but we clicked that choice anyway and were taken to the Norton website, where a flashing red message informed us that our computer was at risk for "terminal and fatal" lockup unless we ran the Norton Deep Throat Security Scan♠ immediately, after closing all open applications and saving our data. The Norton Deep Throat Security Scan♠ would take between four to six hours to run and could require ten restarts and extended periods in which the screen went dark. The computer would not be a available for our use during that time.

Nine hours later, after the Norton Deep Throat Security Scan♠ had run its course, we were no further than we had been when we first noticed the annoying and uninvited Norton icon in the system tray, looking like a turd in a punch bowl. We right-clicked the icon again, clicked "Trust Us" again, and were taken to the Norton Website again, this time to a page asking if we wanted to A) reinstall the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠, B) repair the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠, C) like the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠ on Facebook, D) order additional licenses for the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠, or E) speak directly to a Certified Norton Technical Expert.

We chose E, which produced a large dialog box wherein we were asked to describe as clearly and succinctly as possible the reason for wanting to speak to a Certified Norton Technical Expert.

"To find out how to uninstall the Guantanamo suite," we typed.

an image
They can't hear you scream when you're on hold.
We are experiencing an extremely high volume of requests to talk to a Certified Norton Technical Expert at this time," came the dialog-box reply. "The average wait is nine to twelve hours. Please have your receipt for the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠ handy in the event that you eventually do speak to an agent. Also have at hand your Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠ purchase order number, your nineteen-digit model number, and fifteen-digit serial number; the name of your computer's manufacturer, your computer's model and serial numbers, the amount of installed memory on your computer, the name of the operating system you are using, and the name and build number of your default browser.

Finally, please provide the date on which the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠ was installed on your computer. This date can be found at Tools>Products>History>Install>Guantanamo Suite>Essentials>Log.

Priority in the queue will be assigned according to the length of time the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠ has been installed on your computer. If the copy of the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite♠ about which you are inquiring has been installed fewer than ten working days from the date of installation, please reapply to speak to a Certified Norton Technical Expert in no fewer than three and no more than four weeks. This message will not be repeated."

Then silence . . . (to be continued)


Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.

HTML Comment Box is loading comments...


top-of-page link  top of page  teensy, tiny image of stamped envelope  e-mail this article  teensy, tiny image of printer  printer friendly page


© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.

 

Back by Unpopular Demand

The Pug Bus Interview
phil maggitti smoking a jointSmoke 'em if you got 'em, then enjoy the interviews nobody else has the balls to do. We're not just blowing smoke. Our fearless interviewer isn't afraid to stop totally at the surface.Read on.
Trends That Need Killing
locavore food logo with a red slash in a circle overlayedThis farm-to-table shit has gone too far. The next time some dipshit waiter begins telling you where your lamb chop came from, tell him to piss off. You want dinner, not a fucking geography lesson.
Free the Music
wipe out the riaa printed ona roll of toilet paperStrike a blow for freedom. Download music on the down low today. You can't beat the price. Get the skinny at Zeropaid.


Sites for Sore Eyes
American Atheists
High Times
Mental Floss
Pirate Bay
Soulseek
The Universal Church Triumphant
  of the Apathetic Agnostic

Vaults of Erowid
WiTopia

Facebook This, Asshole
facebook logoYou mean to tell me you're still on Facebook, Skippy? That sucks. All the cool kids are on Fumbler or InstaCram or FuckBook. The only people left on Facebook are new mothers of both sexes, old mothers (a/k/a grannies), and jerkwads looking to organize Trayvon Martin rallies. You know who you are.
Humor Feed Banner