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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Philadelphia 76ers Will Play Entire 2013-14 Season Overseas
Jul 30, 2013 - 10:21
an image
PHILADELPHIA–The Philadelphia 76ers have made what might be their boldest move yet in an offseason filled with bold innovations. Yesterday General Manager Sam Hinkie announced that the 76ers will play in the Beko Turkish Basketball League for the entire 2013-14 season.

"We had been weighing the analytic advantages of sending our second-round pick Arsalan Kazemi overseas for the upcoming season," Mr. Hinkie told reporters. "The more we looked at the data, the more we realized that we could maximize our upside by sending the entire team overseas.

"Our new players, many of whom are undervalued, would get a chance to work on their games somewhere else for a year. They would also have a chance to learn each other's names and to develop team chemistry. In addition, we would have more time to assess where we are as a team and, perhaps, to hire a coach, not to mention finding a mascot. That's a win-win-win."

an image
"I'm willing not to play
wherever the team goes."
Team reaction to the move was largely favorable. Sixth overall pick, Nerlens Noel, who is rehabbing a torn ACL, said, "I wasn't going to play next season anyway, so it ain't no thang whether I don't play in Asia or I don't play here."

Error-prone point guard Michael Carter-Williams, the eleventh pick in the draft, was also big on the idea.

"I hear they ain't so fussy about counting turnovers in Turkey," he said. "I can improve my assists-to-turnovers ratio as soon as I get off the plane."

The only negative reaction came from seldom-seem, let alone used, second-year power forward Royce White, whom the Sixers obtained from the Houston Rockets in June. Mr. White, who suffers from gran mal panic attacks that prevent him from flying, was on a bus somewhere between Houston and Philadelphia, and could not be reached by mobile phone, which avoids using because "them damn things cause cancer."

an image
Missing and presumed legally
dead in mascot years.
Mr. White's agent, who has never met him personally, released a statement saying: My client may sue to block this move, which, he feels, is exclusionary and designed to take advantage of his well-known aversion to air travel."

In related news, former Sixer Andrew Bynum, who missed the entire 2012-13 season before bolting Philadelphia to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers, said he would have re-signed with Philadelphia if he had known the team was considering the move to Europe.

"I'd love to play me some ball in Spain," said Mr. Bynum. "I visited there for dance therapy while I was rehabbing my knee last season."


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