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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Paula Deen Sex Video Surfaces at PureMature
Jul 4, 2013 - 9:37:00 AM
an image
Paule nibbling on a Paula Deen Porkstick Sausage.
SAVANNAH, Ga - Embattled food maven Paula Deen has rejected a six-figure offer to sign on as a spokeswoman for PureMature.com. According to TMZ, PureMature told Ms. Deen in a recent letter, "Full figured or thin, arthritic or diabetic, you embody our ideal spokesperson.

"You certainly qualify as a MILF (Mother I'd Love to Fuck)," the letter continued, assuring Ms. Deen that there was "very little work and no nudity required" on her part.

Ms. Deen, 66, angrily rejected the PureMature offer, telling company president Mack Weaver, "There's two kinds of MILFs, those who talk about boning younger men, and those who do it. I'd sooner do it than talk about it. You can ask any of my sons' friends about that."

Ms. Deen's reaction to the PureMature offer surprised many observers, as most of her endorsement contracts were set afire or suspended after Deen had been accused of referring to some of the African American employees in her restaurants as niggers, boot lips, and Mississippi porch monkeys. Ms. Deen admitted that maybe she had used "a few of those terms on occasion, but never more than one in the same sentence and never in an unfriendly way."

Following this admission, Ms. Deen was dropped like a stack of dirty dishes by the Food Network, NASCAR, Walmart, the Gideon Society, Home Depot, the Girl Scouts of America, J.C. Penney, Lane Bryant, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Sears, Fredericks of Hollywood, and KMart. She was not without support, however. Former President Jimmy Carter urged that Deen be forgiven.

an image
"They don't call me 'sugar tits'
for nothing."
"As someone who has lusted in his heart after MILFs, I think she has been punished, perhaps too severely, for her honesty in admitting her use of those words in the distant past."

Mr. Weaver still believes that Ms. Deen and PureMature "go together like sausage gravy and biscuits. A lot of our subscribers are white, fat, and southern themselves. Their wives and sisters look like Paula, dress like Paula, and sure as hell talk like Paula. If we canceled the subscriptions of everyone who ever said nigger, porch monkey or boot lip, we'd be back hawking donkey-fuck videos to tourists in Tijuana."

In a late-breaking development, the Pug Bus learned as this article was going to press that PureMature had recerived a sex video from a representative of Ms. Deen. A PureMature spokesman who asked not to be identified revealed that the sex video "would make The Aristocrats blush. The footage of Paula deep-throating a lamb shank while pleasuring herself with a tomahawk ribeye was enough to make a statue moist."

In a letter accompanying the video, Ms. Deen is alleged to have said, "I'm willing to take direction, but of course I don't want to work with any niggers, maybe a few fags in blackface, but no niggers."


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