Courtesy of Postcards

Scarlett Johansson's Ass to Star in American Express Ad
By Chip Hilton

Don't try this at home.
NEW YORK - Scarlett Johansson's ass and American Express: the perfect fit. Ms. Johansson never leaves home without them.

Scarlett Johansson: My Life, My Card
Name . . . Scarlett Johansson

Born . . . November 22, 1984

Sign . . . gluteus maximus rising

Childhood ambition . . . to have a really great ass when I grew up

Hope for the world . . . that my ass could be cloned

Favorite music . . . anything by the Ass Ponys

Biggest challenge . . . not acting like my ass weighs a ton

Secret vice . . . taking nude photos of my ass with my iPhone

Perfect day . . . when nobody hacks my iPhone account

Proudest moment . . . when my ass was featured in the opening of Lost in Translation

Greatest lesson . . . learning early on the difference between my ass and a hole in the ground

Fondest memory . . . winning Time's 2003 Ass of the Year award

Great disappointment . . . that my ass has never appeared on a Franklin Mint coin, yet

Most embarrassing moment . . . when my ass was cited as the inspiration for Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl"

Greatest fear . . . that I might get Assperger's syndrome

My life is . . . more exciting than yours because I've got a better ass

My card is . . . American Express, you asshole.

Scarlett Johansson's ass in the unforgettable opening scene of Lost in Translation

ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. Be advised to believe half of what you see and nothing of what you read. You must have a mental age no greater than eighteen to enjoy this shite.