Courtesy of Postcards

How Well Do You Know Justin Bieber's Johnson?
By Chip Hilton, with additional reporting by Michelle Obama

"Wanna touch my Johnson,
little girl?"
HOLLYWOOD - Last month Justin Bieber turned up at the MTV Video Music Awards with a snake in his right hand. During a pre-show interview with Selena Gomez, Mr. Bieber, seventeen, revealed that the snake's name is Johnson. He then asked several young ladies if they wanted to touch his Johnson.

This was all duly noted by TMZ, X17, and other literary journals. As usual, however, these sources either stuck to the facts or made them up. Either way there was none of the probing and creative reporting that one can find only at Postcards from the Pug Bus.

While other websites see things that exist and ask why, Postcards sees things that don't exist and asks why the fuck not. Therefore, we present now our most recent Teachable Moment Quiz©, an exercise in which even the wrong answers have their own reasons for believing they're right.

1. Justin Bieber's Johnson is . . .
a) laughably small even for his size, b) covered with scales, c) a gift from a friend, d) hungry for love

2. Justin Bieber likes to . . . with his Johnson.
a) play, b) sleep, c) scare people, d) take showers

3. The first person ever to touch Justin Bieber's Johnson was . . .
a) his mother, b) himself, c) Selena Gomez, d) his uncle Stiffy

4. Justin Bieber's is the first Johnson to have . . .
a)an agent, b) a Twitter account, c) a passport, d) a bodyguard

5. Justin Bieber's Johnson likes to eat . . .
a) Girl Scouts, b) lint, c) pregnant mice, d) pussy

ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. Be advised to believe half of what you see and nothing of what you read. You must have a mental age no greater than eighteen to enjoy this shite.