Courtesy of Postcards

Paula Deen Sex Video Surfaces at PureMature
By Phil Maggitti

Paule nibbling on a Paula Deen Porkstick Sausage.
SAVANNAH, Ga - Embattled food maven Paula Deen has rejected a six-figure offer to sign on as a spokeswoman for According to TMZ, PureMature told Ms. Deen in a recent letter, "Full figured or thin, arthritic or diabetic, you embody our ideal spokesperson.

"You certainly qualify as a MILF (Mother I'd Love to Fuck)," the letter continued, assuring Ms. Deen that there was "very little work and no nudity required" on her part.

Ms. Deen, 66, angrily rejected the PureMature offer, telling company president Mack Weaver, "There's two kinds of MILFs, those who talk about boning younger men, and those who do it. I'd sooner do it than talk about it. You can ask any of my sons' friends about that."

Ms. Deen's reaction to the PureMature offer surprised many observers, as most of her endorsement contracts were set afire or suspended after Deen had been accused of referring to some of the African American employees in her restaurants as niggers, boot lips, and Mississippi porch monkeys. Ms. Deen admitted that maybe she had used "a few of those terms on occasion, but never more than one in the same sentence and never in an unfriendly way."

Following this admission, Ms. Deen was dropped like a stack of dirty dishes by the Food Network, NASCAR, Walmart, the Gideon Society, Home Depot, the Girl Scouts of America, J.C. Penney, Lane Bryant, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Sears, Fredericks of Hollywood, and KMart. She was not without support, however. Former President Jimmy Carter urged that Deen be forgiven.

"They don't call me 'sugar tits'
for nothing."
"As someone who has lusted in his heart after MILFs, I think she has been punished, perhaps too severely, for her honesty in admitting her use of those words in the distant past."

Mr. Weaver still believes that Ms. Deen and PureMature "go together like sausage gravy and biscuits. A lot of our subscribers are white, fat, and southern themselves. Their wives and sisters look like Paula, dress like Paula, and sure as hell talk like Paula. If we canceled the subscriptions of everyone who ever said nigger, porch monkey or boot lip, we'd be back hawking donkey-fuck videos to tourists in Tijuana."

In a late-breaking development, the Pug Bus learned as this article was going to press that PureMature had recerived a sex video from a representative of Ms. Deen. A PureMature spokesman who asked not to be identified revealed that the sex video "would make The Aristocrats blush. The footage of Paula deep-throating a lamb shank while pleasuring herself with a tomahawk ribeye was enough to make a statue moist."

In a letter accompanying the video, Ms. Deen is alleged to have said, "I'm willing to take direction, but of course I don't want to work with any niggers, maybe a few fags in blackface, but no niggers."

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