Courtesy of Postcards |
Detroit Bankruptcy Blamed on Shift in Autoeroticism Tastes
By Phil Maggitti
DETROIT - The city of Detroit's recent bankruptcy filing is owed in no small part to shifts in tastes among devotees of autoeroticism in the United States. Autoeroticism—the act of sexual congress with the tail pipe of an automobile—enjoyed a sustained spurt of popularity following the September 2006 release of Jackass 2, in which Dev-O gets busy with a Ford Explorer in the parking lot of Philadelphia's Lincoln Financial Field prior to an Eagles game.
"Since then we have averaged multiple cases of lacerated penises at every home game, and so have other teams around the league," said Richard Farnsworth, M.D., chief of the emergency ward at Philadelphia's Frank Rizzo Memorial Hospital. "Those cases—as well as others reported from gun shows, NASCAR events, and countless other venues—virtually all involved American-made SUV's, trucks, and muscle cars until recently."
Dr. Farnsworth and other autoeroticism experts thought the boy-meets-tailpipe scene in Jackass 2, coupled with the popularity of SUVs and President Obama's auto-industry bailout, would lead to rock hard economic prosperity for Detroit.
Such was not the case. Roughly two seasons ago Dr. Farmsworth and his team began seeing more cases of autoeroticism involving foreign-made trucks and automobiles.
"For the longest time macho guys wouldn't be caught dead driving a foreign car, let alone boning one," explained Dr. Farnsworth. "Now we're hearing reports of autoeroticism involving small-size Toyota trucks, Honda Civics, and even used Miatas.
Dr. Farnsworth pointed to a number of reasons for the shift from American cars to foreign models.
"Concerns about global warming might lead to an increased preference for foreign-made cars with better gas mileage. The devastating tailpipe recall by Chrysler last year. The acceptance of gay marriage, which freed men to be more open about their choice in cars."
According to legend, autoeroticism was born in the early 1990s in Montreal when Rene LeCock, a gay airline attendant, dropped to his knees on a dare and had his way with the exhaust pipe of a Chevy El Camino in the remote-parking section of the Dorval airport.
The practice was slow to catch on until clips from Jackass 2—and a videotape of R. Kelly having sex with his Cadillac Escalade in the Hoops Gym parking lot in Chicago— began making the rounds on the Internet in early 2007. Mr. Kelly, whose sexual appetites are legendary, had upped the ante by leaving the motor of his Escalade running while he filmed himself taming the pulsating beast.
"Yo, leaving the motor running increases suction and heat, not to mention your get-off, like nothing else," said Mr. Kelly.
Robert Newsome, chief economic advisor for the city of Detroit, called for a return to patriotism and family values as a means of pulling Detroit up by its seat belts.
"Detroit produces automobiles that any man would be proud to drive his family to church in on Sunday, or to take down to the local VFW for a little fun with the guys on a Wednesday night. You just can get the same thrill from a little pussy hybrid."
In other news, Dr. Phil observed that cars are still "the ultimate penis extension. It's not surprising that guys who love their SUVs often find vaginal intercourse unsatisfying. Besides, they fear ridicule and rejection if they want to sit in their vehicles and listen to CDs after having sex with a woman."
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